Even though I am a bit edgy wallowing in “Pantang” session that I shed tears rather often yet I am still in the mode of thankfulness and appreciation especially to The Almighty God for still allowing me to live life longer. (Oh My God! I thought I was going to breathe my last breath during the delivery but it turned out to be well, Alhamdulillah) and on the greatest gift that made me extremely amazed the wonder of God. My God, I cried like hell when the nurse put my baby on me right away after she went out and the warm of our skin vibrated like a magnet. My utmost appreciation to my dearest hubby and my beloved mama who held my hands tightly the moment I could not stand an unbearable pain of contractions, their undying support encouraged me in making it through no matter what. My mama is truly an inspiration to me, I wonder how could she deliver 11 children! My special thanks extend to my whole family especially to my big brother Dr. Mohamad Firdaus who kept advising me to be strong, willing to lend his ears to my cry when I felt like having no one to turn to during my pregnancy and observing my health condition, I believe one day you will be a great Psychiatric, I pray for you. To my sister, Nurul Ulfa who gave me a lot of guidance together with her warm care and thoughts, I pray she will have a smooth delivery for her third child and my daughter will have a same age cousin soon, InsyaAllah. My supportive family-in-laws, their concern, care and love really made my life complete. To all my friends and people who know me that sincerely dropped some motivational words till the day I gave birth to my sunshine through sms and facebook, Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! May God bless every one of you because you mean a lot to me!

Here, introducing my sunshine, Ayla Binti Muhamad Fahmi. She was born on Sunday morning, exactly at the time sun was shining brightly, 9.20 a.m., in Hospital Banting, 27th March 2011 on her due date on the dot! It happened suddenly with normal delivery but the unbearable contractions started at 7.00 am. on Saturday. She is 3.1 kg, really out of my expectation because I thought her weight is below 3 kg. Alhamdulillah.God made my wish come true as I prayed that she would come out after her dad arrival from Japan. Here are some shots of her, I am afraid of snapping the pics with flash so the pics may not be too attractive.

06042011

I drove my car to Sabak Bernam from 3 p.m and arrived at 9.00 pm! I had to be on duty at school this week. While driving back home, I was feeling rather somnolent after on the go all day long, I was dead beat, I dropped by somewhere at the side of the road and dead to the world about two hours. I woke up and immediately continued driving. In a few seconds, I was nearly met with an accident when there were a Wira at the right lane and a big lorry on the left lane honking loudly at me to get out of the way, I heard the screeching sound, I was sandwiched in between the wira and the lorry. The lorry driver put up his FUCK finger and screamed out at me. My tummy was so stiff and taut at that moment; I rubbed it softly and said “Astaghfirullah”. God saved me. I felt like crying. Lonely. Weak. Speechless. 

I was so eager to settle down everything as soon as possible though I have more time to carry over to get all the affairs done. However, I kept worrying if I will not be able to do it tomorrow because I will have many things at the back of my mind as soon as I start my work. I want to put aside everything and get focused to my work. I forced myself until I became exhausted, I really push my limit. The wheels fall off. I learnt we cannot do too many things at the same time especially when your mind and body needs rest, you will only put yourself into shitholes. I will burn myself out if I refuse to slow down at this condition.

Recently, I met a doctor to do a scanning as I was so eager to know whether it’s she or He. My husband has never been by my side all along of most of the medical test during my pregnancy, Thank god the excitement is still alive. The first thing Doctor said,

Done. Finally, updated.

 
A Love Letter To My Unborn Child

© Carlisa P. Branch 

I write this letter to my unborn child from the depths of my soul.

You've entered my womb and made my life complete and whole.

I never thought I would be chosen for such an awesome task.

It is a greater blessing than what I ever could ask.

I can almost imagine you in my mind.

Beautiful, Happy, Bouncing, flashing a smile so kind.

Feeling you flutter is a sensation like no other.

It does wonders for the joy of this soon-to-be-mother!

You create a glow in me I never knew I would see.

It is true happiness that sets me on cloud nine manifested deep inside of me!

You're my baby, my child, my heart, and my wonder.

I pray we create a bond that no one can put asunder.

You're a designers' original! A creation from the King!

I can hardly wait for you to enter the world and see the joy you bring.

Sweet baby of mine, you're a magnificent gift from above.

Living proof of how your father and I have shared our love.

I hope you have your fathers' eyes

Then you will go into the world able to look at all things wise.

I hope you inherit my ability to plan.

With that you will be able to face all things in life as a strong woman or man.

I hope you receive from your father his selfless ways.

For this the Heavenly Father will bless you, as he did him, all of your days.

I hope you learn from me, spirit and let no one take it.

Believe me you will need it in life, and many will try to break it.

But with that spirit you must have your father's center.

With that you will be cautious of any door you enter.

I want you to have my curiosity.

There's nothing wrong with questions you may blurt!

But receive your fathers' discernment,

so you'll know when to let go before getting hurt.

Have my big heart; know what emotions are and how to be real.

Share your fathers' strength so you can handle what you feel.

Share your father's sense of humor! Laugh a lot it helps you through life.

Share your father's sense of duty. Know how to be serious and take strife.

I'm emotional so I tell you its okay to blubber once and a while like your Mom.

But learn to develop what your father has; an excellent sense of calm.

But most of all the things I wish for your father and I to share.

I wish we teach you to love, respect, strength of mind, and to care.

These are my feelings, wishes and hopes for you.

You make my heart and soul sing!

I welcome you to the world and thank you for the joy,

my little queen or king.

As I realize I have a few followers of my blog, I have no heart to stop blogging because I really appreciate those who read my blog as it portrays their concern towards me, I know you care, I haven’t a clue  to say thanks to my loyal silent readers out there but all I know, I won’t stop blogging because of you ;). Do I make you feel special my dear readers? Ah-Ha. (^___^)

Okay, I was at full speed for the last two weeks, however, I am so weak owing to pregnancy symptoms that I guess most mama-to-be will face it, why should I feel like I am the only one who suffer from the worst pain ever. I tell you, when you get extremely sick, at times, you have a tendency to forget that there’s someone are worst than you, Nauzubillah. I wish the pain will never impede my movements of doing anything I always do, hey, I was wrong, it really has effects on my daily routines that I force myself to be strong days by days.

I just moved into a new kampung house which was wooden-made with straight lines of wire on the top of walls under the roof that give a way to natural air of kampung. It is impeccably hot at noon and quite chill at nights. We received a text from the owner of the house who had promised to rent a room for us saying that they cannot rent the house, we were frustrated but we knew there must be a solution. By god will, the owner of the house in which I temporarily stayed previously searched for another house for us and finally, we found a kampung house that the condition may not be too good but I think it is good enough for me. It’s a real kampung house and I have to climb up and down the stairs to go to toilet and kitchen. As I have to go to toilet for defecating for several times which was around 1 till 3 a.m in the dark, I get so fatigue till I cry because it feels so painful at my back. No fans in the ceiling so we use portable fan to keep environment less hot in a room which shared with three. It’s only 100 per month per person. At night, big black bugs, with a horn on its head will fly high around my head, mosquitoes bite on the surface of my exposed skin even though we use electrical mosquitoes repellent every night. I know my parents will feel a bit sad looking at my new house that I don’t feel good to show them how my new house looks like. Lately, most of the nights, I run out of steam even to pick up my mobile phone to converse with my hubby, by 9.00 pm, I have to say good night. When I told my hubby about how bad I feel because I really need someone to express my feelings especially when I have my heart in my boots, yes, I desperately need someone who really care about me. He managed to give me some touching words, 

 

By coincidence, I watched Jejak Rasul broadcasting a history of Maryam and Siti Hajar entitled Srikandi. I almost cried, I felt bad, baru sedikit Dia beri padaku, sudah mahu jatuh! Sila Berjiwa Kental lah Ani.

I miss my hubby’s sambal ikan bilis and chicken soup, I miss the time when he comes back home from lab, he will buy some packets of chocolates, boxes of milk and bread for me that I will give him a tight big hug, I miss his kisses, I miss everything about him. I don’t know how long we will not going to meet, most probably till December, I am not sure.

Last week, I paid my duty to manage sukan dalam at dewan and being an MC at Hari Kemuncak Kokurikulum, it was the day I was wearing my songket, I’ve been waiting to wear it at exact time. Ah-Ha. After the event ended, most of male teachers gave two thumbs-up to me, said congratulation and told me that I did a good job. Being a new teacher, I thanked God that I did not reject the responsibility given and took it positively, a burden of my own choice is not felt.

Out of topic above, I would like to wish every muslim and muslimah world wide, 

Going through hard times is something I should expect and get ready; I must keep my weather-eye open. Recently....

On Friday, my friends and I travelled around Pekan Sg Besar just to get a lawyer’s signature for surat Akaun Sumpah. Some teachers drew a map for me so that I would not lose my way in the small cowboy town. We reached the office of Pesuruhjaya sumpah easily; unfortunately, the lawyer took a holiday so we have to find another lawyer. Coincidently, we stumbled on a signboard which written Magistrate court at the side of  the main junction in Pekan Sg. Besar, then, we just followed the signboard till we passed by Pusat kesihatan, Pejabat Daerah, that was how I realized that all the government buildings congregated at one place. We stranded in the traffic jam and lost our way that we could not make U-turn because it’s one-way road, soon after we got into the magistrate office, the people in the counter told us that signing surat akuan sumpah will only available on Tuesday and Thursday. What a day! We were a bit disappointed and tired as the Pekan is situated about 25 minutes from our school and we right away went to Pekan after we finished our school without taking a rest. Perhaps, it is fated that it was the day of getting familiar with the place we are living in. We got home tiredly and planned to go to Magistrate again today. 

Last week, we looking for a rent house in the region of Sabak Bernam, the first house we surveyed was so terrible, lots of holes all over the wooden wall with rusty zinc roof and dirty toilet which is worst then chicken coop, there’s no fan, just imagine how are we going to survive living there in scorching days.We rejected this house, then, I rounded at a number of residential areas in pekan at low speed, there’s house that looks quite fine, and it’s in good condition with the rent of RM350 per month, the cheapest price we got after drove a hard bargain. Most of the dwellers in the house area are Indians and got many wild dogs wandering about, my friends are so afraid of dogs, plus, it takes 25 about minutes from a school, if one of us wakes up late in the morning,  we will arrive school a bit late, we made it a clear reason to reject this one. We finally found a house with seven rooms in second floor, the owner of the house lives in the ground floor, and one room is rented with the price RM120 per month including the bills. The house seemed comfortable; it takes only five minutes from our school so we decided to rent this house. However, we can only start moving into this house at the early of fasting month. I am becoming bashful to stay in the recent house any longer, there is a mentally handicapped girl stays together with us, she’s lovely, keeps smiling every second, and she has a very low IQ that she is not able to think like normal at times. There’s also a man who has the same problem like that girl, both are close to each other, he likes to shake hands with me but I could not resist it as I am too afraid if he becomes angry and do something bad towards me, my friends told me that he always mentions my name though I never tell him my name. Haha. That is so cute yet scary!

I am a driver of 3 good friends, they agree to pay RM 15 every month, we are now best friends as we will get through everything together which lessens my wretchedness of being miles away from my hubby.

I missed my period and it’s been almost two weeks late, still got a menstrual pain symptom anyway. I am waiting for my July’s menses but it’s already the end of July month, weird. I don’t want to think much about it but I can feel that my body system goes wrong, is it because I am stressed or something has grown in my womb. Woops! Please do not make any assumption yet, all right? Have to do a check-up if I miss next month period. I am in a bundle of nerves.

Recently, when I was extremely worn-out right after arriving school with cram-full of bags and luggage piled up disorderly in my car, a scorching climate during journey to Sabak Bernam, no abode to hang about temporarily, I was really in a very hard situation, in all of sudden JPS telephoned me. They asked me to instantly go back to JPS situated in Shah Alam which is far away. As it has passed 12.00 noon, plus I really dead beat, I said, I am sorry that I could not make it because it is possible to reach Shah Alam within office hour. The clerk said I must still go, I pissed off but I tried so hard to not utter harsh words or raise my voice, I forced her to be considerate towards my situation. She held on the phone for awhile to ask her boss permission, and then she told me that there’s nothing she could do as the boss still wanted me to come there right at that moment, as soon as possible. She passed his boss’ phone number so that I could deal with him by myself. When I called him, spoke as soft as I ever did, he instantly got round the bend that he raised his voice, telling me that I must come and with half-screaming he said “Kenapa tak tengok betul-betul!”.

I told him that I really could not make it and told him my problems of having no home, just arrived there, it was possible that I could not reach JPS within office hour, if he permits, I will come by tomorrow. Fortunately, the school gave me one day holiday to deal with the problem.

It was my fault that I did not sign the survey paper, but my name, IC number, the name of school and everything was completed, I tell you the truth, the form looked not that important, It’s about rating the speech of every slot during taklimat, just a piece of photocopy paper with blurring words. It is just a survey that my parents said it is not important that it will never have an effect on any imperative affairs; even the clerk can just sign it for me. My mother asked me for his phone number to deal with him, but I gave a polite rebuff to her intention because I am afraid if my parents get involved, it will make things worse, small matter should not be a big deal, I want to confront my own problem as long as I can.

On the way to Shah Alam, I dropped by Kuala Selangor to get a receipt of KWSP slip, Oh, nobody was there, so only a few minutes spent at there.

Yesterday night, I burnt the midnight oil to prepare a test paper for form four till I had no time to have a conversation with my hubby, Hey, we will not going to meet up for a couple of months till the end of this year, the feeling of sinful struck me, Thank god; he’s always being an understanding husband! That was only one of millions sacrifices we have made. We always try our best to stay strong no matter what happens.

Now, I am still hunting for a rent house, for the time being, a generous kind of old spouses who live with their son who’s suffering of mental illness but never disturbs anyone by keeping with himself to himself all the time willing to let me stay in their house till I found a permanent one.

I just received my buku rekod pengajaran and the PK1 wanted me to teach Kemahiran hidup, modul Pertanian! Oh my god, I never expect to teach this alien subject. I also have to teach English, 3 classes of form four students, that’s my real option so I wish I only have to teach English subject but well, it is very common to teach subject that is not related to your option at all if there’s no teachers for any particular subject.

Next week, I’ll get a timetable and will be start teaching. I have to go back home this weekend to take important documents needed.

I was safely arrived Malaysia on last Wednesday but I have been so busy spending quality times with my family. I have two families, yes, two dads and two mommies and my husband is not here so I have to find times being with them on behalf of him, that’s all I can do as he is not able to look after their parents, I know, his parents miss him so much, he’s an apple of their eyes, the only son they have and I am the only daughter-in-law. As usual, they show their appreciation every time I visit them. Today, I got kain ela from my mother-in-law. 

Oh, I always get expensive and beautiful cloth for baju kurung from my loved ones, as a result, I refuse to buy any. 

I am suffering from backache due to heavy backpack and also for long hours on a plane from Kansai to KL and transited to Kota Kinabalu. I took a rest for the whole day on Thursday. On Friday, I went to JPS to get to know when and where I would be posted. Knowing I got Sabak Bernam and I have never been there, therefore, my parents brought me there on Saturday to have a quick survey. On Sunday, we had a great time of cooking and eating together. My times were actually filled with unplanned goings-on.

Today, I went through a Taklimat which is compulsory for new teachers in JPS from 8.00 to almost 2.00 pm. Tired of listening and sitting but the breakfast made my day, free nasi lemak, it was a brunch anyway. There were about 170 graduated teachers have been posted to Selangor, quite a lot but still not cater enough for the need of teachers in all schools in Selangor, 150 got Sekolah Harian, if I am not mistaken, 10 got Pendidikan Khas and 7 got Sekolah Agama, I am not sure whether Sekolah agama or pendidikan khas has got 10 or 7 teachers. I am in minority group, I don't mind by the way.

My first posting is SMA Parit Baru, Sabak Bernam, about 2 hours from Klang if you drive not more than 80 kmph, the road  has no toll, I'll become thriftier later on! I got new same-age-friends, Selangorians, two TESLian from the same programme like mine and one Physic teacher. They are all single, that makes me feel a bit old being a married lady among them. One thing I like the most about Taklimat was to know how much I will get for my monthly salary. Tell me, who doesn’t like it! Nevertheless, I will not open my mouth too wide if I feel I am not qualified for high pay. Great oaks from little acorns grow, yes; big things often have humble beginnings.

Tomorrow, I am going to register to school as asked by its headmaster as we finished taklimat a bit late and school finishes on 2.00 pm. Based on taklimat, first things first, we have to register by right today, however, the headmaster has been so considerate that he opened the floodgates to us to appear tomorrow. I think Taklimat should be open-and-shut case. Oh, Am I too demanding? Sorry.

I have mixed feelings about tomorrow. 

Latterly, I am in the hot seats thinking about my life with my other half is not yet settling down whereby more or less, it slightly impinges on our future planning. I used all my forces to be grateful. We reckon with hard times that really tense us up. Though, I crystal-clear realize that starting a new life is absolutely emotionally and physically draining that I should be mentally-prepared earlier, I fail to not be in the doldrums, well, I have been in out of spirits ever since we were married and distance kept us apart. No matter what happens, I still keep moving on, that’s a fact of life though moving is one of the hardest things I will ever do when I am under pressure and yes, moving into a new life is even tougher, totally not a plain sailing. To be optimist, I should say it would be exciting to get into a new life, why don’t I let the chips fall where they may,  and stop grumbling all the time. Everybody may have experience the same thing, but why do they look okay, I look miserable instead! It’s not a good sign so I need to undergo retrospection session and start to count myriad of blessings……

Now, in order to teach myself to get rid of ungrateful feeling, it's a good idea to point out the things God made them come true that I should be thankful.

Recently, my application to be posted to any school around Selangor was well accepted. Another good news, getting a place in SMKA is like a bonus to me. I received the information a bit late than my colleagues as my school in under different department, meaning to say, it has its own department to manage new teachers settlement who are working under SABK (Sekolah Agama Bantuan Kerajaan) and SMKA (Sekolah Menengah Kebangsaan Agama), that was the main reason why my name is not included in Jabatan Pendidikan Selangor because the management is not done under one roof, staff there told me that. It bothered me a bit though, moved me into curiosity so I called the person in charge a couple of times, and he convinced me that I really got Selangor though my name was not included in the list of new teachers of Jabatan Pendidikan Negeri Selangor. 

Lately, my hubby was offered by his lecturer to further his master’s degree under his supervision, that means he already got a place for his master; however, he needs scholarship so he has to put an extra effort to get a scholarship for the fees. At the same time, he was offered a position as an engineer in Malaysia but he had to refuse the job as the company is located in Kedah. Of course, if he comes back to Malaysia, we do not want to be separated anymore. Furthermore, there are other companies around Selangor and KL offering the same jobs. My other half has actually attained a place in the sun and his prospect look good, Alhamdulillah, and yes, the same goes to me. 

Now we are wrestling with dilemma, if my husband furthers his study, it means that we will not be staying together for two more years which is really hard for us to grapple with long-distance relationship. I was thinking to follow him to reside in Japan but it is just a pipe dream as I have contract! And I am not established as a teacher yet to get ‘Holiday without salary”. We pine for kids, we want to have our own home regardless how big or small it is, we want to feel what home is like, and we know we have to settle down first. We are still weighing pro cons of our forecast before coming up with final decision and sticking it out. He frequently says to me, be grateful as half a loaf is better than none. Man proposes, God disposes- our destiny depends on God’s will.

Be grateful Ani! 

P/s : I need to repeat "be grateful Ani" again and again to motivate me, so ignore it in case it seems to be irritating an annoying while you are reading this  post. All right?