It’s a new year, I just don’t realize it. It seems like I live in my own world. I have a quite number of resolutions but I got a weird feeling, a bundle of nerves to really state my resolutions of 2011 thinking about will my age be any longer. Will I not be long for this world?
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| This is a 7th month Pregger who misses her hubby so much |
I wish my neuron would grow productively, react normally like before instead of dawdling in seizing the stimulations around me, I have no idea, I just noticed I got a mind like a sieve! I deemed that perhaps it’s because of the presence of Pregnancy hormone in my body, I hope a speedy recovery. I can totally feel an abrupt changes inside me; I tell you it makes me feel so terrible. Yesterday, while talking with my hubby in the phone, I did not finish my words, stopped half way and then right away he carried on finishing my words that sounded like did not make sense at all, I know he was trying to spice our conversation with sort of “cheer up a bit”. I replied with serious tone.
“No, it’s not that, Oh, What did I say just now, Oh my god, Oh my God, abang, I really got a problem with my mind, I can’t focused, I don’t know what am I doing, what am I saying, I forget things easily”.
He snickered. My hubby did not really see it as a matter of concern. It may seem like nothing but it’s a sign of something went wrong about me that no one take a heed of. I do really care about myself that I am worried every minute.
Last time, during the departure to Malaysia from Kansai airport, I was almost left out by MH052, it should not happen after four times of going to and fro to Japan. A nice lady with a walkie-talkie looked for me and asked if I am doing fine, she escorted me to the jet plane. I went across the boarding gate, it was already empty, and that was how I knew I was the last passenger who nearly left out. Thank god I traveled light with only a little luggage so it made my walking pace a bit easier.
I safely arrived Malaysia with a mindset that the hectic life will begin soon, I try to be mentally and physically prepared. I settled down to many personal affairs. I transferred thousands of ringgit into my friend’s account and the money was not in owing to banker’s fault, she did type error of my friend’s account number so I need to call Bank Rakyat to get my money back into my account, and went back to the bank. I got that part settled. Then I received Surat Lantikan Tetap , I managed to draw up some documents as I have to hand in within 60 days otherwise I will be assumed as rejected the offer. I did medical check up, angkat sumpah and etc. My clothes do not fit me anymore so I have to get new ones lest I don’t have anything to wear for daily working. I attended school meeting, I got a quite number of posts. I filled in a form of maternity leaves. I drew out a large sum of cash to pay for 5 months of Maxis monthly bill and rental house from January to March because I will leave Sabak bernam forever by March for my first baby delivery. I felt so painful around my ligament after being so restless, dragged heavy things as I moved out into a new room in the rented house. More comfortable because the room is fully furnished and provided with a toilet. Alhamdulillah. The house always black out so I get my torchlight ready on the table.
I drove my car to Sabak Bernam from 3 p.m and arrived at 9.00 pm! I had to be on duty at school this week. While driving back home, I was feeling rather somnolent after on the go all day long, I was dead beat, I dropped by somewhere at the side of the road and dead to the world about two hours. I woke up and immediately continued driving. In a few seconds, I was nearly met with an accident when there were a Wira at the right lane and a big lorry on the left lane honking loudly at me to get out of the way, I heard the screeching sound, I was sandwiched in between the wira and the lorry. The lorry driver put up his FUCK finger and screamed out at me. My tummy was so stiff and taut at that moment; I rubbed it softly and said “Astaghfirullah”. God saved me. I felt like crying. Lonely. Weak. Speechless.
I was so eager to settle down everything as soon as possible though I have more time to carry over to get all the affairs done. However, I kept worrying if I will not be able to do it tomorrow because I will have many things at the back of my mind as soon as I start my work. I want to put aside everything and get focused to my work. I forced myself until I became exhausted, I really push my limit. The wheels fall off. I learnt we cannot do too many things at the same time especially when your mind and body needs rest, you will only put yourself into shitholes. I will burn myself out if I refuse to slow down at this condition.
I was so eager to settle down everything as soon as possible though I have more time to carry over to get all the affairs done. However, I kept worrying if I will not be able to do it tomorrow because I will have many things at the back of my mind as soon as I start my work. I want to put aside everything and get focused to my work. I forced myself until I became exhausted, I really push my limit. The wheels fall off. I learnt we cannot do too many things at the same time especially when your mind and body needs rest, you will only put yourself into shitholes. I will burn myself out if I refuse to slow down at this condition.
Recently, I met a doctor to do a scanning as I was so eager to know whether it’s she or He. My husband has never been by my side all along of most of the medical test during my pregnancy, Thank god the excitement is still alive. The first thing Doctor said,
“ It depends on the condition of the baby, it’s just your lucky day if you can see the baby's genital”
“It’s okay”
The doctor pressed my womb for some minutes after the transparent chilly liquid was spread all over my tummy.
“It’s a girl”
“Really?”
“yes, it’s a girl, I can see the hole part looks like a groove”
“Oh, confirm?”
“Yes’
“Is it so obvious?”
“That’s what I see”
She pointed her finger on the screen and explained to me.
“Doctor, can it be wrong”
“Mm, why, what gender do you actually wish for your first baby?’
“I thought it was a boy, never mind, as long as she’s healthy and perfect”
“Okay ape anak sulung perempuan”
I smiled. Alhamdulillah.
“Your baby is in extended breech condition, you will have to do cesarean if she is breech''
“When should I check it”
“By the end of this February”
“Is there any possibility the baby’s head will move downward when the labour begins”
“No, because there’s no enough space for the baby to move around anymore”
I am excited, worried, and anxious. I don’t know. Mix of feelings. I just need someone by my side to listen to my blabber. Grief divided is made lighter so that I can get on with my life with strong motivation.
“Quietly and SecludedEntwinedIn Her own thoughts “
01.01.2011
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