End of 2010. Good.  

Posted by ainul ilyani in , , ,

Some would ask why do I keep myself in a sudden deathly hush for all this while. Okay buddy, let me account for months of silence. First is because I had hard times that really impinged on my emotion, as a result, I got atrocious mood swings, my true enthusiasm of doing all the things I used to keen on turned out to be as dry as a bone. Second, I was terribly sick due to early pregnancy syndromes which had become stable when I reached fifth month of pregnancy. Third, I can`t stay focused when I find myself coping with something new that come in a bulk at one time, it makes me call for some times to stretch myself out, try to make myself in a good condition before I attempt to be doing something I love. Since I am now at the best of times during my pregnancy, yeah, I am feeling at my best, I want to do what I love which is blogging. People around me usually see me as a quite person and yes, I will always be, that`s why I love writing more than speaking.

Every time I left for Japan, I always find this time is the greatest moment ever as I am free from hassles that I used to have in everyday life, being a teacher with not-so-bad income plus school holidays that you can spend with your family makes me feel more than enough.

Oh, it`s hard to say that this might be the last time of going to and fro to Japan because Hubby will be coming back to Malaysia next year and settle down in Malaysia permanently, if he comes here again, it`s just for out station reason. It must be a bit heartrending for him to say bye-bye to the place which taught him a lot, like my mom said `tempat die dewasa`, the situation might be like he had to leave Pandan Jaya, KL after 18 years of growing up there and moved to Klang. I have such a feeling to Bandar Baru Bangi when I had to move to Banting.

Oh sorry, I can`t digress from speaking about school matter. You know I am a teacher, a government servant who has to serve for school by teaching them basically about language, hey, hello! Teaching language is never been easy, how long will a baby be able to speak, and when they speak, do they speak fluently and coherently with perfect pronunciation and without grammatical error, let be realistic, I am not teaching my students to master the language but to LOVE the language, to get the messages about life through Literature component. Every person entails so much factors to master the language, and I do believe the most crucial factor is the environment apart from ones effort and not all comes from English-speaking-background, elite class (I said Elite because back then, Elite got loads of money to have English class and go abroad, you get what I mean here?). I only speak English when there is the need to do so and in the class, I avoid translating and that`s tough because students unable to pick up my English, previous English teacher did teaching English using Malay and my students come from rural areas who sees English as an alien. Yeah. Well, I was not surprised, This is what I expected when I first got this school nevertheless, to cope with the situation, that`s a BIG problem to me.

To tell the truth, the beginning of my career did not go well. I skipped many classes owing to my health conditions. I almost burnt myself out. There was a time when I tried to write something on a whiteboard, I almost fell down. I did not finish the syllabus, I spent so much time curling under my desk and sleeping like a log. I felt so guilty to see my salary in the bank account because I don`t deserve the money, I was asking myself,` berkat ke duit gaji ni sbb aku tak buat keje`. I cried a river thinking about keberkatan, I wanted to take holidays and I did not mind if I did not get monthly salary during the days of leave but I was not allowed to do so because I am `Guru Siswazah Terlatih` with five years contract and already went through an interview for `Lantikan tetap DG41’.

Oh, I was assigned to teach English for form 4 and form 1, it was actually my request to be teaching English. Well, my request had been accepted may be because they were pity of my health condition, I got such a pathetic look since I was posted to Sabak Bernam. Physically, I fell sick all the times, fainted, blacked out, vomited, fever, dizzy, lost appetite, weak, Mc, Mc, Mc, injection here and there, I got through the pain alone and I clammed up every minute. Mentally, I had not seen my hubby all along of fifth month of pregnancy, no family members by my side, workloads in school were like mountains. I find it`s hard to survive there alone with many many new things took place in my life but hey, Alhamdulillah, I could go this far. I learned that anywhere I go, the place won`t change for me, never, thus, by hook or by crook, I have to find ways to change in the sense of adapting myself. I wanted to get over the pain, God willing I bumped into a book entitled : Mukashafah Al-Qulub Imam Al-Ghazali. Great. Get one buddy! Oh, did I tell you that I have been thinking to move into another school when my hubby comes back soon and I`ll be taking 3 months of holidays in a row after delivering my first baby.

Before holidays, I personally met my headmaster to get permission to not attending the school meeting and will not be on duty on this December because I really want to have quality times with my hubby, it`s only just for four weeks after five months of being apart. The headmaster disagreed to back me up, I had to accept and backed down though I felt like answering back as I banked on his sympathy before I stepped my foot into his office. What else to do, stop working and pay more than hundred thousands to KPM is not the best solution, my problem boils down to a lack of money. I`ve got no choice so I stay, survive, and make myself strong. I wonder if his wife or his daughter is in my condition, what he would feel. Mm…

As I`m writing this, I can`t stop thinking that I only have two more weeks to be here and go back to Sabak Bernam, be on duty, working and alone. I hate it but I have to love it lest I won`t be happy. I got many trips in Japan but I don`t write them all. And Tokyo is the latest trip. Next time, if I feel like sharing, I jot my experience down to awaken me how precious my experience is, and the reason for me to must be happy and grateful.

Done. Finally, updated.

Forgot to say Salam maal Hijrah to all muslims. Let`s pray for Jannah. Fia manillah.

Maal Hijrah,

I wish that each New Year
will be better than the last.
May your fondest dreams still alive
and take time to recognize and enjoy
each and every blessing.


This entry was posted on 7.12.10 at Tuesday, December 07, 2010 and is filed under , , , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


i love reading all your posts kak ani!!

March 27, 2011 at 8:17 PM

Thank u darling! ;)

August 24, 2011 at 7:37 PM

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