I need strenght.  

Posted by ainul ilyani in

First week of final semester of six years of study has gone away, leaving me totally bewildered by the lectures, assignments, presentations and project paper! My head just could not pick up speed as I am not mentally and physically prepared after having so much free times during holidays without thinking even a dust about everything related to my course! I think I need to start my engine now; everybody has pushed a gear while I am just about to insert the key. If you know what I mean here. Oh, how slow I am, pity me! Lately, I almost suffered from fever, A drastic change of weather from winter in Japan to hot sunny Malaysia probably influenced my well-being in a minute, my throat felt a bit uncomfortable like a stone stuck inside my throat, nearly attacked by sore throat then I drank more than 2.0 liter water afterward, took balanced diet by drinking three glasses of soy protein, never miss my lunch and dinner, forced myself to enjoy eating lots of veggies and fruits. Alhamdulillah, now I am feeling much better. Alhamdulilah, so far, I am able to maintain my new lifestyle in full of discipline, I admit I want to lead a healthy life, that's my mission after suffering from acne. It does work in reducing my serious acne! so I keep continuing a good habit I just started.

Recently, I let myself cry a river, sobbed my heart out like there’s no tomorrow. It sounds so horrible, yeah; you can call me crying baby! I hate myself being so weak at the knees; I just couldn’t stand it anymore. There were masses of affairs cramming in my thinking cap, yeah, about my acne, tremendous change of my face really impinge on my emotional in depth. I miss my late sister badly that sometimes I dream about her and I shed tears after I woke up, I swear I saw her face and she’s looking at me. At the same time, I feel so distant from my family, sad of being miles away from my husband and will not see him more than five months; this really tests my inner strengths. It’s a big lie that wife does not need her husband in tough times, tell me whom wife does not need her husband by her side, tell me who? So that I can learn from her. I feel extremely awful thinking about my past sins, I do believe all the difficulties I am coming across is like a kaffarah for me, InsyaAllah. I am facing financial problems, sometimes my parents lend me some money though I never ask for it but they bank in the money without telling me, I felt so embarrassed because I am married! Parents supposed not to give the money to her married daughter but my parents has a great instinct, they know how hard  I am standing  on my foot all alone without anybody here, and of course they want me to finish my study in time. I cannot stop thinking about my hubby’s difficulties who's still struggling for one more year survival in foreign country  without loved ones, Oh God, please look after him for me, please ya Allah.

I should zip my bad mouth now, lately, I grumble too much, I know! Please dear everyone who loves me especially my family members, I know you read my blog, pray for me so that I can go through all these things with ease and calmness. I just want to be a spirited woman again! I really wish to be superbly strong, redha of everything God grants me as I deem, He knows the best for me.

I don’t know what to write here because there’s nothing interesting happens for the time being, I mean I can’t think at all, a sea of deep emotions overcome my rationality in thinking wisely. I should stop bluffing now!

This entry was posted on 10.1.10 at Sunday, January 10, 2010 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


Remember Allah plan is perfect the fate is perfect...that must be a reason and hikmah for everything...do you still remember when I was pregnant I was in kertih alone leaving in a big house by myself my other half and family was in Kl..i was sad sometimes i shed some tears sometimes i feel that no one care i feel alone...but when I think back there were a lot of hikmah i occupied my time with work, reading Al-Quran, zikir, books..my time was filled with good deeds I read the Quran until I was tired and fell asleep with the quran in my hand for most of the lonely nights...that is the Hikmah..now it is very hard for me to do all those thing my time is occupied with khaizuran, khairin and ofcourse my other half..cooking cleaning and work..I find it difficult to spare time even to read one surah..astghafirullah... you know how the kids scream for attention..When I reflect back now I know and understand why Allah have planned my fate that way...It is the time for me to do Ibadah to be close to HIM..because once I become a mother my life will be hectic...so Ani take a deep breath and relax..used every single time that you have usefully...usually mother and wife called it 'me' time..once ur husband is back and u become a mother you will not have as much free time as u have now...just count ur blessing...

p/s I miss her a lot too...

January 10, 2010 at 6:17 PM

thanks ufa, if u want to know, i came across some conflict with someone here but i always being a tolerant one, n i know i'll find sorts of annoying people someday so i just ignore it n forgive everyone bcoz people do make mistakes, am for one, do mistakes too,i am trying to be good, maybe i am not good enough in the eyes of others ;( however, i keep on moving, there's alot more important things are worth thinking than unnecessary ones but dat unnecessary ones keep disturbing every minute. now, i feel a little bit calm, trying to be strong. i am doing ok now, honestly ;) i don't want to stop half-way, i want to finish everything i'd started. oh god, i miss u guys alot, i miss home, i miss family gathering and eating together ;(.it's true ufa, i think Allah is sending a signal to me, Alhamdulillah, HE wants me to be close to him ;), i want to change for gud n being better day by day..i pray 4 ur family, n dun forget to pray for me too..who knows, God say 'yes' to ur prayer ;)..luv u!

January 12, 2010 at 5:29 AM

be strong ani dear and ALWAYS sangka baik dgn Allah :)

January 23, 2010 at 1:39 AM

Thanks kak Maddy.. ;).

February 8, 2010 at 10:13 PM

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