Posted by ainul ilyani in , ,

I stumbled on this http://peliks.blogspot.com/ and attracted to the entry entitled ‘dreams’ which touched the deepest of my heart. Though I do not really have the same dream like hers, I can feel her. Perhaps her experience is no difference to some of my friends, it’ is just that they do not happen to tell the whole world about it. Everyone has doom times, has faced failure, some are secretive and some are willing to share it. I think Maria is a frank person who does not really care what people think about her, something I wish I have. I am a little bit paranoid at times. Not to others, but to my own self. Yeah, it does feel hard when you reach the point where you have to let go your dreams. It just happened for unforeseen reasons. I think some of us are in the same boat. Letting go our dreams is hard, it’s real hard. Once you accept the present, enjoy every little thing in the present, just like Maria said “it dissipates into thin air”. 

Speaking of dreams, I believe dreams evolve over time in which phases of life take its turn. Kid, teenager and adult. Each phase has different setting and the setting keeps changing, then we have to realize dreams must be up-to-date to that current setting and relevant for our future ahead. It’s never too late to have dreams, every time phase of life alters; we can always create new dreams. The word impossible itself said “I’m possible”. 


Power Rangers, Suria perkasa Hitam and Doraemon.: Kid phase 

When I was a kid, (Oh man, I miss my childhood very very much). I always imagined of becoming a “Power Ranger” or “Suria perkasa Hitam” or “Doraemon” or whatever imaginary icon I admired that time because I was watching too much cartoon as well as reading comics. While my boyfriends dreamed of becoming an Ultraman who saves people lives by killing a brutal monster. Ha Ha !. Kids’ life is undeniably beautiful because they do not afraid to dream, dream as much as they want! 

When I entered primary school, I slowly forgot about “Power Rangers’ and Suria Perkasa Hitam” but I was still a big fan of “Doraemon”, you know her magic pocket which has everything that can solve any troubles arises, I always dreamed that one day Doraemon will become my best friend. I flicked through the comic every night before bedtime. In school, teacher asked all students a very typical question ‘What is your ambition?”. For boys, they used to say, I want to be a policeman, a doctor, a soldier. For girls, I want to be a teacher, a nurse. I always said “I want to be a teacher” though I meant nothing and that was the only word that always came across my mind each time people asked me such question, moreover teacher is the person who seems to have a great power of being influential towards kids’ life. And that kid was me. 


Art stream or Science stream: Teenager phase 

The phase develops one step further that I become more sensible. I changed my ambition. Most of bright sparks who are best friends of mine used to say they want to be a doctor, engineer or anything sounds grand. Those with excellent result in PMR usually choose to take science stream. I still remember when I was form 3, I worked really hard to score PMR because my elder bros and sisters are all brilliant in academic, it was like a big shame on me if I was not on par with them, I am afraid of being called stupid. I achieved string of A’s, the feeling was so great. My best friends left me for good school, and I did not apply for any MRSM, or SBP because I only aimed for Maahad because I wanted to continue learning Arabic in fact I am not that good in the language. I got an instinct that I should continue learning Arabic, well ,I only got B for my Bahasa Arab Tinggi, not bad after all. I got an offer of going to SM Teknik KL, I rejected when I saw the package of subject they offered did not interest me at all which is Engineering! Lukisan kejuruteraan, Physic, Chemistry. My parents brought me to the school for a sneak peek with the hope I would accept the offer. I firm with my decision, stood my ground. I would only stay in SMK Telok Datok if I did not get offer to move into Sekolah Maahad. 

I went through a great conflict with my mom, my mom was a typical teacher who thought that all good students must take science stream. I broke her heart because I wanted to take art stream. My mom kept her distance from me for months. Can you imagine how my life was like living in the house with a mom who did not even want to look at me, let alone speak to me. I tried, yeah, I tried my best to explain to my mom why I made up my mind to take art stream, and she refused to listen. One day, I got a letter that my application to move to Maahad was successfully accepted. 

 In Maahad, I found it hard to adapt living in the hostel after being comfortable living at home, toilet is just three steps away from my room while in Maahad, I had to stay in fourth floor and walked far far away just to brush my teeth. I got sick rather often, Istihadah, fever, eczema, that the doctor said my hormones was not stable probably owing to depression, it was true, I was depressed I could not adapt with an abrupt change came to my life. Maahad is not bad at all, with nice friends and all, I love this school by all means; the problem was that I needed time to cope life in hostel. I wanted to return to my old school because I wanted to be at home but time creeped on me, tik tok tik tok, SPM was finally over! 

Most believe that SPM result is a stepping stone to achieve our dream. After SPM, I started to realize careers are too many to offer in the real world, those who get excellent result most probably will get what they dream of but some are not, not everyone will get what they apply to further their study.

 Law and TESL: Adult phase

I wish to be a lawyer for the reason that I was not at home in Math (a very stupid reason), this is the only course which does not involve numerical literacy. I was actually an active debater and always being on top 3 in every talk and speech competition so I thought doing law suits me, because it involves oral skill. I put it on top of the list and the next is TESL because I wanted to go overseas. I think it’s everybody’s dream to further study in overseas, it’s just a matter of chance, if you do not a have whole heap of money, hence you have to get a very excellent result to win a scholarship to study overseas. That’s the price you have to pay and it’s also about luck, some are excellent but they did not get a chance. I was offered to do TESL under KPM scholarship, I did not have to pay even a cent for my study fees, so I grabbed the opportunity. If I happen to reject TESL offer, almost certainly I got a chance to study in UIA but I will have to use my parents’ money. I do not want to. 

I thought I was offered to do TESL in overseas as informed through the phone; I was so damn excited that my parents were extremely happy for me. I received a letter telling me that I was placed in IPSAH, in which twinning programme in collaboration with UPSI. Those who were offered to do TESL in overseas supposedly doing preparation at IPBA, I thought they did a mistake for placing me at wrong place. I thought I should be in IPBA, not IPSAH. I phoned KPM and they said “the quota was full already and my name was out of the list”. I felt like being cheated, if only they told me earlier, I won’t be over-excited like crazy, you know how terrible it felt when you were over-excited with good news which was actually fake. I was already picturing myself playing with snowflakes and snapping picture of beautiful sceneries, this imagination seemed to shatter in a second the minute I found out the truth. I do not have power to complain or maybe to sue KPM because I was already agreed that “any changes made by KPM must be followed” in Surat Perjanjian. 

Despite of disappointments, I still grateful I did TESL because it was on the top of my list. Something I never regret. In consequence of taking TESL course, I was able to write this long piece regardless you can actually detect some mistakes on syntax or grammar. Plus studying TESL course is real fun. Look on a bright side, my wish to travel abroad came true after I got married with my hubby when at that time, he was studying in Japan which is one of the most expensive country, surely I will never go there for vacation thinking about Nihonggo and Yen Ka-Ching Ka-ching if not because my hubby sponsored me as he did part-time job, ‘Shinbun”: hantar surat khabar kat rumah orang. Heh ;B. Observing my hubby’s life struggle in Japan was like an eye-opener. Studying overseas is not all fun, the journey takes a strong heart. I might not be strong enough to sail through bumpy journey surviving life in overseas all alone. So, I was fated to study in Tanjung Malim. That’s okay. I can finally go abroad, even much sweeter, went there together with my hubby.

Honestly, I never dream of becoming a teacher in the first place. I was influenced by people perception that teacher does not sound as prestigious as any other professionals. Being a teacher, God made a better plan, I know Allah opened the door for me to help my students in many ways, I mean not only to get them score in English paper, teaching them about life as well. My students mostly come from poor family, contrast to my background. I learnt to deal with dozens of my students’ antics by understanding why they behave that way. I think, some of us, might have changed their ambition align with the field they are accidentally in, in the field that they might never think they will juggle with. It may seem quite late to realize “this is not what we really want in our life” as soon as we start working that we have to make a choice whether to stay or the other way around, my hubby was one of those who went through this dilemma. He did the other way around. Lucky me, I think I am on a right track, I love teaching regardless of system that makes me suffer. Teaching will always be my passion. Yeah. I actually have another BIG dream, to have my own business; I thought I will have to let this dream go as I have already stuck in school. God knows the best, by coincidence, my hubby now in business line. He made my dream came true. 

Nothing more I can ask for. I was grateful I did not do science stream, I was grateful I decided not to go to SM Teknik KL, I was grateful I was not studying law. It was all my choice. A good thing is I do not have any points to blame my parents. I was grateful for that.


During my days, my generation are taught to choose what their parents want rather than what they really want. To meet parents’ expectation without putting on table of their children’s ability is one very common case. I don’t say all but some, some of them sacrifice their own dream to achieve their parents dream. If they achieved their parents' dream, their parent show off their excitement, if not, their parents show off their frustration which can break children's heart. You disregard your children's effort in the making of making you proud just because they failed, they failed to make you proud when they have given their all. Should you do that? Should you punish your children for not meeting your expectation. Accept the fact that...

I know every parent wants the best for their children, yet becoming too stringent that you disallow your children to explore their own strength, make a choice of their life path will actually make them suffer inside. I got many friends who suffer inside, doing a job that they do not love and keep doing it just for the sake of their parents and they end up rebelling. Just because we do not achieve our dream, it’s not a ticket to force our children to achieve our dream. Denying your children’s dream brings more disadvantages than advantages itself. We do not teach them by making choices for them; we teach them on how to make the best choice for themselves. Biar mereka bijak memilih dan tahu mengapa mereka memilihnya.

I recalled what I read,  I don't really remember every word exactly but I got the point which goes like this, ‘Ajarlah anak untuk bijak membuat pilihan sejak dari kecil walaupun sekecil-kecil perkara, contohnya, mahu makan telur goreng atau telur rebus, biarkan mereka memilih”.


This entry was posted on 3.12.12 at Monday, December 03, 2012 and is filed under , , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


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