Posted by ainul ilyani

I think I’ll be writing at least two entries to redeem the last month's entry. We are going to welcome July-. Hoop Hoop Hooray ~The most waiting month by all Muslim all around the world, Ahlan Wasahlan Ramadhan Kareem. 


 I can’t get out of my most favourite topic since Ayla came to my life; she’s always been the first thing to write about. Ayla just learn to walk recently, quite late for her age, yeah, she has just started her first steps at 1 year 2 month. I went through an emotional period beforehand, putting up with ridiculous hypothesis about her as if she’s suffering from an absurd ailment that she cannot walk. Just because her dad was able to walk at 8 months back then, people expect the same to our daughter. Listening to a long advice that I never take a heed of like massaging and hammering her knees, bagi embun pagi whatsoever was emotionally painful. I should only give her support, stimulate her and let her explore the world on her own two feet. I think this very much relates to her personality; Ayla is a very careful person as she brushes her toes before her whole foot land flat on a ground, if she thinks it’s safe enough for her to further walking then she would continue, if not she would promptly sit and cruise all over the place. Or maybe she did not get enough stimulation around her. There’s a time I almost cried blaming myself for her late development. One day, my mum told me,

 “anak mak sume pandai jalan setahun lebih, alah, kang die dah sedia, die jalan sendiri”. 

Ayla's mum started her first step just like her baby yet she was an athlete when she was in primary school, everybody in school knew the first sprinter on a track was the same face and people called her “Ainul Schzanegger”. Maybe Ayla got my genes. The feeling of watching my dear sunshine stepped with Barbie girl sandal I bought for her made me want to shed tears! I felt a huge relief. Being a newbie in parenting, everything seems to be surprising and sometimes many things turn out to be out of our expectation so all we can do is just to get ready and face the world. At times I feel like quitting my job and giving a full attention to Ayla for her early two years, especially breastfeeding her. It hurts to go to work knowing that someone else is keeping an eye on her and that someone else is actually a stranger. My biggest dilemma after being a mum is to manage quality time wisely and I wish I can never miss my sunshine's milestone. 

Lately, Ayla rejects bottle! She only wants to be direct-fed. It’s been two weeks already, she seems okay but she eats a large amount of food when I am not with her. Sometimes I rush to Rumah Mak esah just to breastfeed her directly yet she refuses probably because she's not hungry. It happens every day. I cannot focus on my work because I am too focused to keep up with breastfeeding journey. I really want to achieve my mission of breastfeeding Ayla till she reaches two years no matter what happens. I can’t imagine myself living with regret for not giving her full breast milk just because I was busy working, I can’t accept that excuse as I promise Ayla is still my number one. Kerja atau belajar saya boleh tangguh tapi menyusunya pada dua tahun pertama, saya tiada kuasa lansung untuk menangguhnya. Once I miss this golden moment, I will lose it forever. I got a plan to further master next year. I’ve been postponing it for many times owing to obligations, the foremost reason is that I want to focus on breastfeeding Ayla, another reason is that I am still making more money by doing some saving. I want to steer clear of loans. Everybody wants to own a house, so do I, I am working for it.


Regarding KISSM, I completed it and still waiting for a result. I hope I will not fail since those three days in a row was not as smooth as I expected. I sneaked out a hall for a couple of times because my baby wanted to be breastfed directly especially at night, she used to sleep with her mummy’s boob. My room hotel did not provide refrigerator so I have to put my EBM in the kitchen at a ground floor, as ill would have it, the kitchen closed at a time when Ayla craved for milk so my hubby ran to the hall and told me Ayla needed milk through SMS. Then, I asked for Facilitator’s permission to skip a few minutes of lecture and cut through the deep of night just to breastfeed my baby. I got a severe menstrual cramp and went through a sleepless nights, I did not study and my assignment was so cincai boncai, thank God my friends gave me their notes, I took some minutes to scan it even though I turned out to be stark raving bonkers and I sat for an exam with an empty wit. I stepped out an exam hall with a huge relief as I was able to cudgel my brain to goreng semua soalan sepuas hati! It was funny thinking about this. One in a million experiences of breastfeeding journey, which is the most beautiful moment I have ever treasured in my life. 

My mobile phone broke down and all pictures faded away. I never expect this would happen, if only I knew, I would transfer all the pictures into my hard disk. I begged my hubby to save the pics but the one who repaired it could not promise because its motherboard got a problem therefore there's no way to fix it other than re-format it, as a result the pics were automatically erased. Pathetic. I will sell it with a very cheap price because mobile phone does not have high second value like a house or land.


Anyway, I am so glad I can still update my blog as year goes by, from a single woman to married and now a mommy, I hope I can maintain writing my blog as long as I live and one day, print all the entries, turn it into a diary and let my child(ren) read it, of course with some pictures. Oh, I am just not happy to see my entry was posted without pictures, so dull! I know. 


This entry was posted on 28.6.12 at Thursday, June 28, 2012 . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


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