Flashing back to the reminiscences during all of the trying times when I was pregnant of Ayla, it summons up every ounce of strength, attested to my faith that I can handle hard times. Enough to make me feel superbly strong.

I was confirmed pregnant in July 2010; the same time I got my first posting as a teacher in Sabak Bernam which is miles away from family. I didn’t meet up my husband except in December and the day I delivered Ayla, that was my lucky star, soon after I got 1 cm dilation, my husband safely arrived KLIA. Pregnancy supposed to be the most wonderful and fulfilling experience one will ever have, but as for me, it was pretty traumatic yet terrifically full of exciting queries that changed me into a stark raving bonkers like how to brush my teeth when every time I looked at it, I would vomit yellow.

I drove Proton Saga manually every day, due to that, I experienced severe pain like menstrual from thigh to waist, I almost defecated since I maneuvered with pressure between gear and pedals while sitting on a wobbly seat. I got diarrhea for weeks and it disappeared after I drove matrix Hyundai, I borrowed it from my mom temporarily and promised to return it after my Wish and Caldina arrived the port.

At that time, I had no choice other than making a thick face to stay in a stranger’s house for weeks. It took about two months looking for a rental house until finally I found one in the village which has a long ditch in front of the house, wells at the edge of the house, surrounded with coconut plantation and quite a remote neighbor, no street lights along of half hours road to reach its main capital.

I suffered from a terrible Hyperemesis Gravidarum or in other words, morning sickness. It lasted for four months. I don't know why it is called morning sickness since I had 24 hour morning sickness. I was constantly throwing up and suffering from heartburn, headache, dizziness, fainting, cramp and bad fever and cough at times and sensitive to odor. I did not know what I could eat since everything made me feel ill. Despite of weak condition, I washed clothes by hand every evening to prove to myself I could do it even though I was sick. At times, I vomited blood due to a lot of vomiting that tore my throat. I was in a high emotional stress, craving for support, miss my hubby’s physical touch of comforting me; I was not only physically worn-out but emotionally in pain. The mood swing during the pregnancy was so appalling, I wept around the clock in my room alone yet managed to put a fake grin when I was with people. I always feel an urge to do something opposite when things seemed not to swing my way like eating when I was actually felt like vomiting, smiling when I was actually dejected, sleeping when my eyes were awakening fresh. I lost control over my feelings and submit myself to a deep gloom no matter how hard I worked on it, I still felt a deep pang of sorrow. I always has this question in my mind: Was I born to be emotionally pathetic?

Morning sickness reduced slowly but I still got heartburn, fainting and cramp. There was a time a water drip stick to my hand and I laid alone in the clinic, I was also injected with a sort of transparent liquid, I had no idea, but they said it helped to cure my bad morning sickness. It was so painful. However, second trimester was the most comfortable zone because I was in good condition in the end of September and able to fly to Japan. What a perfect get-away!

I didn’t expect to be sent to Hospital, when I was doing a weekly check-up at klinik kesihatan desa, in all of sudden, they traced me having an anemia with low blood pressure and right away brought me to the hospital by ambulance alone, yes, again. I was there with nothing but a cellphone with only one bar left, a purse, and a paper bag. I was detained in the ward which was full of 8 patients who were waiting to give birth at anytime. I was sent there owing to anemia as my Hb was too low and constantly declining from normal range. The doctor gave me two options, blood infusions or ten times of imferon injections. I chose imferon injections thinking whose blood run in my body made me feel dubious. The doctor said, If my body does not give any reactions like rashes or diarrhea, I can go back home. In the morning, I got another dose and my condition seemed good so I was allowed to discharge. 

The saddest part is when the nurse said,

With sharp snout pasted on my face, I replied

“My husband is not here, I am going to pay it myself”. 

With unchanged cloth, I shuffled, paid the bill, went back home which never ever feels like home. Imferon injection was continued at nearest klinik kesihatan that I had to go everyday even on the weekends and the clinic was only open for me. I contracted cramp the moment a huge needle stick to my buttocks and I had to wait for a few minutes to stand up and drive my car. As the needle was jabbing, I bit my lips as I felt the pain of imferon getting its way. The nurse cried looking at me. I got two huge black bruises at my buttocks and I had no idea when will they fade away, it’s still painful a bit at times. This is the most traumatic part of all.

My breast pain kept me awake the last few weeks before delivering. They both hurt like lots of  needles penetrating deep and stretching to the point there was just a constant ache.  This was a total shock to me!!  I cried everyday because it was extremely sore. My hubby post a box of pad compressor that I had to soak them into ice water and put them on my boobs regularly. At times, colostrum leaked out. It disappeared right after Ayla popped out and did the first latch-on!

This entry answer the question on my first pregnancy experience, sounding all sad and pathetic, a deeply sad experience and may strain your nerves but there are still a lot more people who suffered worst than I was.

02082011