I know the feeling of sadness and happiness do not come together in balance, either one will control my emotion at one time, and it is shown through my facial expression, so, I choose to put a smile rather than putting an ugly sad-looking snout on my face. The reason is clear. I feel ugly inside out if I am sad. Putting a smile when my heart crying does not mean I am a fake old trout, it really helps energizing positive sides in me to be in charge. At times, it is a tough nut, the hardest thing to do, yet I have to tough it out.
I am not good at pretending everything seems to be fine when poignancy leads my way out, no matter how hard I strive, I will fall down in the end by whimpering alone like a baby, that is how I realize I have reached my lowest point. Weeping is something I do when I am alone or with people I love with a hope they will comfort me. Lately, I realize there’s a solution for it.
It happened on last Friday when I accidentally smiled after shedding tears. I cried right after expressing my breast milk during recess time (I have to do it like hide-and-seek, afraid if any male teachers or students suddenly get into staff room and approach my desk, pumping session takes place under my desk, huhu!), thinking I can’t breathe with an abrupt changes in my life. It turned me into a little bit bonkers. I smiled because many teachers smiled at me at that time, takkan tak pasal-pasal nak mencebik. Then, I felt good for only a smile that costs me nothing.
See! See! Smile works to keep myself sane, at least, to keep myself on the right track or I will be off my nut as nutty as a fruitcake if I let myself in a depressing mode. So, I choose to smile. The more I feel sad, the more I will smile. It brings wonders to my life.
Smile when I suffer from a " chronic" plugged milk ducts that turns into a painful lump for the whole day that I can't sleep. (It happened twice when I have no one to turn to, I called my Brother and he said try to express my milk as much as possible though I told him my milk did not come out from 3.00 am till 5.00 pm after lots of pumping as well as warm and cold compresses. I do not have heart to call my husband to drive a hundred miles to reach Sabak Bernam and see me crying. Well, we only meet once a week and it’s okay than I’d only got to meet him after a couple of months when he was in Japan back then)
Smile when tones of works which seem never come to an end in school.
Smile when politic in school is so critical and unprofessional that makes me stay away from it by doing what should I do rather than being busybody.
Smile when I have to be by my baby's side almost every second after I get home from school, sometimes I skip my lunch or my dinner because that is the only time I can take a nap, rushing for solat 5 waktu and taking a bath. Mandi macam tak basah, makan macam tak kenyang.
Smile when I have to wake up at five and get ready with everything before I send my baby to babysitter who sees feeding my baby with expressed breast milk is trifling and does not see the relevant reasons of why I do not rocking my baby with buaian.
Smile when I miles away from people I loved and stand on my foot alone with my baby.
Smile when I feel like wanting to quit my job.
A SMILE
© Ani
It costs nothing
It happens in a flash
It makes those who receive feel good
Even though when those who give do not have any goods
Everybody affords it
It makes everyone rich
It is respite from the somnolent,
It is daylight to the dejected,
It is the nature's best antidote for trouble.
It cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen,
It’s free
Leave one of mine and yours
To you and to myself
Banting
July 2011
040711
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at Sunday, July 03, 2011
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