I was tongued-tied when these sayings were directly said to me, the statements were rather sensitive that it hurt my feeling a bit but I did not pissed off as I always believe, everybody has different perspective as well as point of views though they are referring to one single thing. Everyone has a right to air opinions about anything as a cat may look at a king. Yeah, we cannot force everyone to think like us so respect each other views is the best policy. It is still important to take into account of different opinions to get the best.

Some people asked me, why I should get married when my husband was miles away, to make it a better point, he’s still struggling with his studies and I have one more year to be graduated while my eldest sister was off colour in the hospital owing to highest stage of breast cancer. Not to say I was not allowed to get married during my programme of UPSI-IPSAH. They thought I made a wrong decision not in due course. These were a great conflict I came across before I got married. It was a hard thing to do at first, not a piece of cake for me. I was hot and bothered with the situation. It is not the matter of money or whatsoever, but it is all about what people think about me. I wrestled with my own thoughts. I was actually afraid of my own decision.

I do not have any problem with my parents, they allowed me to get married as they trust me, and they know I will never break their trust. I believe they got an instinct that I know what I was doing, they know I would not stop doing degree halfway even though I have been married and they were in no doubt that Fahmi is a good man of my choice, well, a good man is hard to find at times. Crystal-clear proven.

As for me, I had every reason to get married at that time. I dare say that I really got what I wanted: CALMNESS. I am at peace. That is how I define HAPPINESS. Some of us think happiness as the feeling we experience when we realize that everything is exactly as it should be, some describe it as the state of feeling that you experience after achieving your goals while others define it as a having inner peace. For me, defining happiness is something that is not so easy, however, what’s more important is that you have already experienced. I feel rich! I am rich of inner peace deep down inside after being called a wife.

Before I got married, I felt insecured, I always wondered what the end of my relationship. I am a human being who has nafsu, and controlling nafsu is easy said than done. Back then, I had no relish for loving a man who I was not married yet. I always sanguine that if marriage is good for me, then please Ya Allah, make it happen with a man who loves You. 

I still remember when I looked after my late sister in Hospital. Out of nowhere, while she was lying in the bed, in a whisper, she softly uttered, 

“Teruskan ani nak nikah, jangan sebab akak ani nak tangguhkan, kalau lambat pon, akak tetap macam ni”.We cried together when I unfolded what Grandma said about Abah to her.

“Aziz tak pernah menangis, itulah pertama kali dia menangis masa bawa kereta sambil cakap,--anak nak kawin, yg lagi satu tgh sakit, tak tahula macam mane”. 

Somehow, I saw the other side of Abah. A fierce looking Abah turned out to be the other way around. That was so not Abah. I tried to hold my tears, but at the end, we ended up in tears together .We both cried because we made him cry. We put him in the dilemma. 

I felt terrible; I made my Abah cry because I was the one who was eager to get married while my sister was surviving to be alive. He did not want to let me down; my reception day was carried out. The day he supposed to be happy was the day he felt so sad thinking about my late sister in the hospital. Just imagine how he suffered when he had to put smiles on his face in the thick of treating all the guests during my reception, at the same time, he was thinking about my late sister’s condition who was in rags in the hospital, she would not live any longer and she's dying. All of us got to leave her for a while for my wedding day. Nobody knew that my late sister was absent during my wedding day, nobody knew what we felt inside when she was the only one who was not there because she was very sick. At about two weeks afterward, she really left us forever. My whole family went into mourning for my late sister who passed away due to breast cancer, it was such a sombre day we have never had. The feeling of loosing somebody of our own flesh and blood who we love dearly was hard to accept. I remember my friends comforted me by saying;

It was music to my ears when my friend said this. I was grateful indeed. Alhamdulillah. I went from strength to strength to go through with my final year of undergraduate.

Though time flies, these moments remain in my living memory.

 My Abah