For a certainty.  

Posted by ainul ilyani in , , ,

It has been more than 2 weeks teacher’s toilet dries up hence; I always dart to the school canteen just to get a toilet bowl! If it was locked then I have to change to plan B; dragging a pail of water and carry out a very   big project, or plan C is to postpone it, and the final option is to get into my car and speed to Rumah Mak Esah. Well, that is not an excuse to not be happy being here, seriously, despite school got many political issues, bickering about something pointless I do not understand why because I never interfere,  (some had been transferred into another school because of this so-called pure nonsense). Off this topic, a lot more   significant matters need our attention. Alhamdulillah, Allah still gives a great nikmat which is to see everything on the bright side and to learn about the reality of life in bigger picture. 

It was unbelievable that I don’t apply for transfer because I am still not recovering from disappointment due to rejections. I think I had squeezed a very last drop of hope and effort. I turned out to be ignorant at times or in other words, “hati kering” . Bila sudah kerja, hati mesti kering dengan segala karenah manusia otherwise you will be drown into sorrow. Alhamdulillah, I do not feel sad anymore. I learnt God will not give this for nothing, look on the bright side, my hubby made a sacrifice that he promised he would never turn back. I am glad to see his business seems to grow slowly here, he earns a living here. And Ayla is taken a very good care by her babysitter and my students never put a great pressure on me, no traffic jams, green scenery along the road to and fro my school. Everything is okay.

Now, It’s time to sit down, take a deep breath, introspecting, say thank you to God for everything He gave me. He is indeed the Best planner.It does feel great when you have a strong faith. Oh God, please make my faith stronger and stronger days by days, please do not ever take it away from me. Ameen


I just realized since Ayla was born, she never gets flu, oh, only for half day that similar to not at all. She never gets cough too. Alhamdulillah, I think my antibody that imparted to my milk really brings wonders! And bottle has never win Ayla’s attention no matter how cute and colourful they appear, they are just so plain lacklustre to her eyes. Ayla is so Pro at sipping through cups and straw. Ayla begins to eat everything but only a little yet she still gains a few grams. I am so happy that Ayla can clearly say this list of words;

 • Ayah
 • Mama 
• Nenek 
 • Atok
 • Lowi (lorry)
 • Car /kete
 • Nak 
• Atoh (Jatoh)
 • Eei kotor! 
• akit..(Sakit) 
• Mm, daaap. (mm sedap..)
• Air 
• andi. (Mandi) 
• No.. (Nose) 
• Hand 
• Eye. 
• Teeth 
• Fish 

These are the only words that I can understand, most of the time, I hardly understand her gibbering (Lampi gila mama ni!)


Last weekend, I went to Port Dickson in conjunction with my in-law’s family day and Ayla was too excited of gulping water in the pool. Alhamdulillah, Ayla is doing fine. I was so worried because she got a very bad diarheaa a few months ago after we had fun at Desa Water Park where hundreds of people enjoy soaking themselves. Our friends’ kids were warded and my Ayla was also nearly warded but Doctor asked me to breastfeed her times without number and observed her condition, she improved day by day and back to normal after 4 days, Fuh! Oh, the magic of breast milk is truly a wonder of God


This is actually the main subject I want to talk about;

Looking at my friends who delivered beautiful babies made me miss that moment so much, of course, not that inexpressible contraction, but the first time you look into your baby’s eyes and bask in skin-to-skin contact with her pouty small lips nyonyot your boobies, the moment is just too beautiful! (though cracked nipples took a few weeks to recover, not to say blood stains on my bra, but the power of love made the pain felt nothing). Oh man, I want a baby! It’s almost every day I have been compelling my hubby to work out for second baby 

“Abang, nak baby!” . Haha!
 He would say, “Tunggu ye, Ayla dua tahun, kate Ayla nak menyusu lagi”

Seriously, my heart was torn into two, to start working for number two or to extend it. Frankly speaking, neither me nor Ayla is ready to wean off, she glues to me every single day, I know I can still do tandem nursing and yeah, I would love to but I have to look after my health too (Do I sound selfish?). My first pregnancy experience strongly showed that it would be impossible because my morning sickness is really bad that I can eat nothing with non-stop vomiting, besides, It felt like menstrual pain during the first trimester that I felt like my pelvic and womb were about to fall off.  Heart burnt. Nausea. Low HB. Just imagine if I am breastfeeding my toddler during that worst condition, I think I can die! It was true that you can still breastfeed if you are pregnant however it depends on ones condition and my condition does not allow me to do so. Or maybe... I can just try, Oh, No No No, I don’t have guts to give it a go. Pity Ayla, it is going to affect Ayla as surely the milk production will drop owing to my worst condition and I do not want it to happen. I will work for number two, but not now, even though I am so eager to get pregnant again, with my hubby by my side, the moment will be more beautiful. My first pregnancy was mentally torturing as hubby was hundred miles away and he never felt baby’s kicking; never got to see my baby bump and his wife’s ugly duckling walk. We had this issue discussed, both agreed that I should take a long rest for two years since Ayla still depends on my milk, seriously, it is hard for me. I just can’t wait the beautiful moment to happen again, it is priceless. I think every mum could not agree more. There’s a time I am extremely bothered thinking do I have a chance to get pregnant again, am I against the fate (Qada’ dan Qadar tuhan)? These queries seem to dwell upon my mind every second. I just want to family-plan, it is important for the sake of me as well as Ayla. God knows. 
I believe. 
I just believe that beautiful moment can wait.

….I hope so…


This entry was posted on 8.10.12 at Monday, October 08, 2012 and is filed under , , , . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .


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