I have been holding out a hope against hope that it may not be any problems for me to be transferred into another school since I have many strong reasons- follow my husband, nine months of pregnant with bad health condition and now have a baby, my husband can’t find job here as Sabak bernam is not an industrial area that can offer jobs aligned with his qualifications and nature of work. Countless times my applications had fallen on deaf ears; my letters might be thrown away like putrid rubbish, made me sick at heart. I am just as sick as a parrot to deal with trifling bureaucracy in which does not even help anyone, it is burdening! Oppressing subordinates like me. What a heck! Oh please, don’t talk about my school; it makes be sick to death! I don’t think I can stay here any longer.

Oh my, it’s been a year already! How times flies but I still cannot adapt well staying here. Everything should be okay but I am still in a state of denial that I am actually here, paying my service that I lose my passion, being alone with my sunshine! Between career and family, as a mum, family is still on top, but it seems like I sacrifice my family for my job. I realize it does not conform to the norm of being a woman unless both career and family can be carried along in balance. How to make both balances is complex. To me, it’s a thorny problem.

Oh! I am such an ungrateful wretch! I almost forget how lucky I am to own everything that many people really want in their life. Great parents who are still doing well and always there to help me in need, good husband who never misses every single day to say "I love you" and does his best to give the best to his family, a cute baby who grows up well and healthily, my dream car that I don’t have to pay for a loan, an enough salary that I can still do some saving for emergency case, good health , my breast milk is never running out (I saw many disappointing mums whose dream to breastfeed their baby exclusively but stopped half-way and they turned out to be very guilty, being a mum myself, I really understand how exactly they feel, all mums want the best for their kids) and myriads of blessings that I know I must do a lot of retrospection so that I was not included among of ungrateful slaves to the eyes of God.

Ramadhan is in the nick of time, I am so sad; I miss every golden second to really submit myself to HIM. I kill hours on the road travelling to meet my husband every week rather than doing solat-solat sunat. I spend my time in bed because I am so tired of breastfeeding and looking after my baby together with workloads rather than delving into tafseer Al-Quran more often. It was a race against time to have a big wish to khatam reciting Alquran and reading the tafseer for this Ramadhan. It’s a big shame to call myself as a Muslimah but not even finish delving into tafsir Al-quran yet. Iman dan taqwa saya masih belum sempurna, padanlah cacat cela sana sini. Time and tide wait for no man. How can I accept this?

20082011