My Man  

Posted by ainul ilyani in

I don’t remember exactly when he came into my life. Don’t ask me how I lost my heart to him. I have no clue. If you really want to know how it happened, ask god then. HE definitely got the answers because my heart belongs to HIM. What can I say; fate brought us together which was something beyond our power. I can only tell you my love-story despite it may not mean anything to you, I suppose, yet it always means a lot to me!

It all began with a SMS introducing himself straightforwardly like no other man had ever done to me. I was so blur the moment my newly mobile bip! And the mobile’s screen clearly displayed a short sentence, simple, plain, straightforward, yet long enough to keep me wondering.

“ni muhamad fahmi, kelas….................”

I was struck dumb, I felt a bit weird since I did not expect it was he who sent such a SMS. I just tongue-tied to respond back. I was truly attracted to his frankness.

We had already recognized each other as we had been in the same school for two years. We were in the same batch, but as far as I could remember, I only saw him not more than twice. I did not take a shine to him. If only I knew I would marry him one day, I 'd have probably swept off my feet towards him! That was why I did not blindly believe “love at first sight” because attractions come from different angle and sides. Yes, it's true, it may happen yet, some people can fall in love only by hearing about him/ her from someone else without seeing him/her face to face. One SMS was sufficient to forthwith draw a clue that he was keenly interested to get to know me in depth.

I will never forget how my heart was throbbing and palpitating to death the first time he rang me up. Believe it or not, I had the feeling that we could sense something was “sparkling” between us just like a beetle met up with a sunflower! I denoted that "sparkling” as a “chemistry”. He had once casually mentioned,

“You are like me in many aspects; it’s just that you’re a girl, so you are a female version of me”.

The idea had already entered my mind. Nevertheless, I was still too raring to know deeper, and thus I posed,

“How did you know?”

He simply said,

“The way you reply my message and the way you perceive things”.

Is that so? Can you explain more? I want to know more? Come on, tell me more? I yearned for some more justification, a lengthy one. Hey, sometimes men like to sum up things much simpler than women.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was so reluctant to accept him because I really hated the way he proposed me. I rejected him, went for another man. It did not take too long to break up as we were not compatible; always quarreled like cat and dog so separation was the ultimate option. After I clashed with my ex, we split up then I turned to him for I know; I should have given him a chance and I was extremely confident that he might still put a hope on me. Though I rejected him at first, he did not give up proposing me for a second time. Being a heartbroken girl, his attention really made me weak at the knees. He just bide his time and that was the right time to scrape up an intimate acquaintance with each other. I personally attached to him after relenting.

I still remember before we planned for the very first date, he told me,

“I am different than before, I am suffering from serious resdung, this caused pimples outbreak; my face is no longer like before”.

He seemed to have a great worry if I’d refuse to accept him due to the drastic change of his looks. He said to the wrong person as I never care about looks. I uphold the belief- Beauty is only skin deep- outward appearance is less important than hidden or inner qualities.

As we had planned earlier, I drove my mummy’s car to UM. En route to KL, I lost my way and stranded in the traffic jam. I rounded the same road for a million times because I missed the junction heading to UM. The signboard was to blame; it was covered by huge leafy trees so I could not read the signboard. I got exhausted but finally managed to reach his college safely.

In the parking lot of his hostel, I was gazing through the tall hostel while he was crossing the road. Realizing he was shuffling towards my car, I learnt he was trying not to fix his eyes on me. But then, our eyes finally met right after he stood at a halt alongside my car, we exchanged grin and giggles, then I handed in car keys to him, allowed him to drive my mummy’s car with my little brother sat at hind seat. I let him bring us to any restaurant to quench my thirst the upshot of traversing the traffic jam for so long. I thought he would bring me to a special restaurant where waiters or waitresses would be ready to serve us. He brought me to the nearest Mamak stall instead. My first date was in Mamak stall! He treated me roti Canai, there were no waiter or waitress to ask for menu or drink so I have to do self-service. There was a group of monkeys were jumping around, gawking and gasping like a fish out of water! They were waiting for a free roti canai. My legs were quivering like hell, I managed to hide them under the table as I was terribly afraid if he noticed and I might feel so stupid. I was so nervous to sit right in front of him as he could straightly stare at me, spot blemishes all over my face. I was too shy that I felt my hands were moving like jelly. At the same time, I was so horrified if the monkeys seized my roti canai and bit my fingers, or my feet, or any part of me, or pulled over my scarf. I was proud of myself at pretending everything was okay.

The second date happened as he came to Kedah to see me before him off to Japan. He appeared like an illegal emigrant who’s walking down the street. He wore antiquated-looking jeans with a pair of old slipper. As he moved his head, protruded his long and messy hair with a clip neatly put. He grew his hair long! He was definitely not a well-dressed man. (Don’t be surprised that this was how he appeared the first time he met my parents. Hey, my mummy said, appearance is not that important. Look at his heart, he has a good heart! ) Since he came from far distance, I felt I supposed to give him something, a present. I did not really get a clue of what kind of gift should I grant him. While I was thinking in puzzle, I kept my eyes wandering around until they stopped at his hand. His bare hands gave me an idea! Yes! A watch. I bought him one. That was my first gift and the most expensive gift I had ever bought.

Before he off to Japan, he assured me

“I want to marry you, I want you to become my wife, wait for me”.

He put together his left index-finger to his right index-finger, represented ‘two become one’ sign. Though we stay across the miles, we always keep in touch so we don’t really feel too far at heart.

In order to strengthen our relationship, we often exchange gifts. Nevertheless, there was one thing I always hoped from him- a card! The only card he had ever given to me was a postcard, with a “Maggi” trademarked on the top of it. Then I eventually realized, it was actually a free postcard for buying one set of Maggi slurppe! I was a bit frustrated but I never told him until one day he gave me a piece of paper, an A4 size, not an empty one but full of my name, very tiny but millions of them filled the whole page. I was so impressed. To my amazement, I questioned him,

“How long does it take to finish it?”

“Mm. I don’t know, I kept continuing writing it during my class. I would stop if I wanted to and continued writing from where I have stopped until there was no space left at all.”

“Why did you give it to me?”

“Because I don’t know how to make cards like you always did, this is the only thing I could do”

Though it was just a piece of paper and a pencil to come up with that thing, not even cost more than one cent. It was like a miracle, that thing made me tickled pink. He did not need so much effort to capture my affection. You see, money does not buy my love.

For almost five years of knowing each other, I never ring him up! That’s a good thing about him as he’s really the same man I knew, before and after married, he will not let one day leave without hearing my voice. Hence, he does not even mind that I never telephone him.

Time glided away too fast, a few years elapsed until he came back home just to tie a knot with me- we got engaged! He earned the money for our wedding by working late at night until dawn everyday for more than one year throughout his survival in Japan. A few months afterward, he returned home again and we got hitched! . He made an abrupt departure to Japan for the sake of our future, we both still confined with university’s life. I was a bit sad to go through life as we are not living together like a normal married spouse. The truth is I have grown accustomed to his long absences. I have never been regretting that I got married earlier compared to my other friends. However, it does still just sadden me when I desperately need him by my side, he’s just not there.

I always know when is the right time to express my real feeling and translate what he feels when he chokes with words that force him to take a couple of seconds to throw them out. We share secrets and we like to talk about our future. The best part is when we frequently argue over many issues then try our best to put our heads together; thank God we always manage to solve the matter at the end. I like to think it is better to make things clear by saying something straight from the heart though I realize it may be painful. I very much concern regarding the choice of words so that I won’t hurt his heart so much! I think I am not a type of woman who always keeps controlling her man since I let him do whatever he likes- just do not break Islamic rules or commit crime as well. He does the same to me. We like the way we lead our lives.

I believe each relationship will reach the stage where conflict may arise, that’s the climax of a relationship, it will reveal the inside out of who he/she is, and how each couple deals with the quarrel is for the process of adjustment so that one fits with each other. It is normal and we had already come across this stage for more than a few times.

We seldom meet due to a few limitations such as time-constraint, long distance since we are living across the miles, and situations as we have to focus on our study. As we are now in the border-less world whereby keeping in touch is never be a problem so we make a full use of technology to make contact with. We chat at length if we are not too busy. When credit is running out, we have to make our conversation short. It is hard for me to face the situation of staying apart from my husband, besides financial problems to survive, juggling with lots of assignments and thesis as well, and sojourn in Kedah all alone. I just don’t know as how I can put up with all these impediments with extraordinary strength inside of me.

After we got married, I discovered a lot of good things about him. Without being ask, he willingly gets into the kitchen to cook some dishes, does not mind to wash my clothes and, iron my tudung and baju kurung, and does any chores that usually done by women. I was grateful because I was married to the man I dream of for all this while! I remember recently, I got my period during fasting month so I could not fast. I went to school and right after I returned home, I flung myself on the cotton blanket and curled up silently, a few minutes later, my hubby turned out with a pan and a plate of white rice in both of his hands. He placed them in front of me. He actually cooked for me though he was fasting. Then he was like persuading me to eat the food, he'd not move until he could witness that I really took the food to the last bits. As I did not want to let him down, tried to show my thanks, I raised my tired body to sit, then, I gobbled up the food instantly, and my eyes were half-closed. I was actually in a state of half sleeping while eating up the meal he prepared.

I am afraid every time I know my menstruation is coming as I feel like dying. My whole body aches as if my veins are stretching and cutting off, my foot cramp; my belly feels like pins are piercing deep inside persistently. When I struck by menstrual pain, I am not able to do my daily routine like usual. Sometimes, it is hard to go through sleepless nights and keep reciting any verses in Quran as I feel like I am nearly die. I thought I would not be having this pain soon after I got married. I was wrong. It still happens but not as often as before. I should be grateful; at least, the pain is slightly reducing. The night I was struggling with the pain; my husband just could not have a deep sleep. He tried to calm me down. He put his hands over the “tungku” to make them hot and softly rubbed his hands over my thighs. Still, it did not work. He massaged my back and did everything he could to ease my pain. He only slept for one hour to look after me. I felt too bad for not saying how much I thanked him.

It will never have an end to say millions of good things about him. All I should say, thank God for bestowing me such a great man. He was the first and the last man who will always be in my heart. He has the key to open my heart though neither he nor I knew where the key came from. After all, we knew we were meant to be together and only death do us apart. I love you abang, wholeheartedly, even more than words can say. I am proud to have you, You are my sole husband, dunnya and akhirat.

DON'T GO FAR OFF, NOT EVEN FOR A DAY
Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Pablo Neruda

This entry was posted on 31.10.09 at Saturday, October 31, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

4 comments

hehe..pjg ye cite psl abg..i luv u ;)

November 7, 2009 at 12:41 AM

Haha..amacam bang? ape perasaan?maluuuu kan kan,sweet memory dear, takleh nak lupe, hambek! sekali tulis kua sume perasaan walaupn kite da kawin da poooom.. bole buat utk syg tak? ngeh ;B, nak rase camne abg rase..leh?

November 13, 2009 at 7:53 AM
fahmi  

haha..x pndi la nk tulis..abg tulis skit je..i luv u ;)

November 27, 2009 at 5:45 PM

luv u tooooooooooo :)

November 29, 2009 at 8:32 AM

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