When she says "I am sorry"  

Posted by ainul ilyani in

Some would fully agree “Friends come and go”, the common statement which frequently heard somewhere. If you totally concur with this statement so let me be the one to oppose it, don’t get me wrong when I say “Friends come and never go” because friends always remain in my heart.

I am not really good in socializing and mixing around like certain people can automatically being a part of new circles of friends. I believe they are gifted, gifted an aura of being easily liked by anyone at anywhere and anytime. I just don’t have that aura, even more worst, I don’t work for it. This is a real me, I used to think I am not as good and perfect like anyone else, when something bad happens, I instantly jump into conclusion that it’s always been my fault.

I deem searching a true friend is rather difficult like seeking out a true pearl covered by the fake pearls in a glassy bowl. It is like one in a million. So when I found one, I will form an eternal friendship regardless no declaration made. Does declaration required for friendship? Not necessarily as friendship is something couldn’t be seen, touched or tasted but the feeling is there. I do really hope I will get the same reply when I develop friendship, which is a “true friendship” as if a kid who yearns for a sense of belonging in a group of bosoms. Undeniably the acceptance makes oneself feel appreciated, and friendship brings out this deep feeling.

I can’t resist that my obvious weakness of making friends with anyone lead to emptiness and loneliness. Since I was a kid, I always need much time to start the ice-breaking due to lack of confidence, with low self-esteem as well. I lost friends for a couple of times, not because she died yet she just went away with new-found friends. All took places during childhood times. During teen years, I transform myself a bit in many aspects, in term of the way I bring myself in the public, the way I am dressing and etc. This has actually affected my social life that massively grown.

Does it sound weird when a big girl like me talking about friends, isn’t it? Well, I already put aside this matter after I got married as so many crucial matters worth to take into account instead of thinking about “friends”. Now, I supposedly focus upon countless big matters. However, unforgettable moment happened today, dragged me into the mood of speaking about Friendship.

I was once cracking my head in thinking “what is lacking in me till my best friend ignores me in all of sudden? Did I do anything bad to her? Or I can’t be a good friend like she has expected? All these questions kept running to my head then I had finally made a point- I am not good enough to be her friend. That’s the only answer I could say. Though I am actually surrounded by many friends, yet "best" friends are hardly found despite you have gone abroad or all around the world. Lasting friendship is difficult to have. Do not tell me it is easy.

Nearly three years the grief of losing a best friend sobs my heart out. It was hurtful. I don’t mind losing friends when I know the reasons why. I was apart from my former friends because they study abroad if not may have other important commitments. But when the friendship broke up with no reason, consequently, it drives me crazy to miserably wondering about it again and again.

It all began when I first met her in college while doing foundation course in Kedah. I was just 18-years-old at that time; probably my maturity level was like 15-years-old. She has been my course mate since campus life taking me in. There I learnt what have I experienced is actually a normal thing yet a terrible thing to be dealt with. We were really good, we share secrets like most teenagers usually do, share feelings; in short, she was by my side whenever I need her. Everywhere we go, we cannot be apart. So you can imagine how close we were.

After almost 2 years we have been best friends and everybody knew that. In all of sudden, she kept her distance between me and slowly ignored me. She left me and became so close with another friend who is also my coursemate. Then I realized something went wrong but I couldn’t find out what was actually wrong. I didn’t ask for clarification from her because I assumed that there was something wrong with me. Who am I to force someone to be my friend?.

I continue my life though it was really hard for me to be left without knowing the reasons why she did that. She got better friends and being in influential “group” while I am surviving alone. It was marked as a starting point for me to make friends with everybody but I don’t really have close friends in university. I intentionally put a border in a certain extent when it comes to friendship as I am afraid of facing disappointment once again. It was truly pathetic. My course mates kept asking me what was actually happened between us until we were not seen together like before. I couldn’t give definite answers. I would just say “I don’t know why, it’s just happen; I don’t even know the reason why”. After that incidence, I apparently changed myself to be more independent; I can do assignments with any colleagues without sticking to the same person. Times pass by, I enjoy knowing different people with distinctive antics. However, deep inside my heart, I couldn’t accept the way she did to me, I don’t care she leaves me if I know the reason why, but without knowing the cause of break-up friendship eat my heart out, thus aches my emotional in depth. I decided to go on with my life, not overly concern about it anymore. I never put blame on her, I don’t feel revenge and I always pray for her well-being. I always put sincerity as a key in having friendship, ukhwahFillah Abadan Abada.

We treat each other in a very good way. It’s just that we are not together anymore, not having lunch or dinner together, not doing assignment together, not spending any quality times together. Everything is no longer done together. Though she has new friends, perhaps much better compared to me, she still tells me her big secret and we never have a quarrel.That is the thing which distracts me a lot, the thing that raises question of why she still finds me to tell her big secrets if she really hates me.

This evening, the grief of losing a best friend has completely healed. My questions got the answers that I have been waiting so long to know. She told me everything. We had a very long conversation and frankly expressing the feeling of each other. We were crying like hell. We hugged like we never want to be apart again. We shook hands like it has been so long we haven’t met. Before she walked away, she said that she loves me so much. I couldn’t speak. I just nodded.

I shuffled with red eyes shone through, my numbed nose appeared watery. I felt like one of my thousands burdensome has left me behind. I was about to tell her that "Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks” but I couldn't. My heavy heart didn't allow me to throw out voice.

"NO FRIEND AT ALL"
© L.J.A.

~I once had a friend, who was a wonderful girl
Being her friend was like haveing a bright, new pearl
She was the best, she was so much fun
But then one day she decided that she was done
She would not talk, She would not play
So I was left alone, left alone all day
To tell her how i felt.. Well i didn't have the guts
Yet everyday the pain got worse like big paper cuts
This girl would get mad even when i would try to call
I had a friend, A really nice friend, a friend that was no friend at all

This entry was posted on 8.4.09 at Wednesday, April 08, 2009 and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the comments feed .

10 comments

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April 8, 2009 at 9:39 PM

Delete Comment From: ~~ White Silk ~~


Nurul Ulfa said...
emmm...dont be too sad lah ani...biasalah the cycle of life we meet and one day we will leave..but still each memory will stay in our heart...everything happen for a reason...just keep in mind..The fate from Allah is always perfect (^_^)...maybe the main reason why you feel lonely is because ur hubby is not with you...dear do take care ey

April 8, 2009 at 9:41 PM
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April 8, 2009 at 11:01 PM

tapi mmg sdeh sgt la upa, sbb ani terase sgt2 keseorangan utk survive kat tempat yg jauh dr keluarga, even takde duit nak balik pon, ani sanggup ikat perut so ani dpt balik uma n realease tension, kdg2 rase dunia perkahwinan sgt mencabar, lg2 bile ditinggal suami n tak dpt kontek sentiase, kawan pula tak semua memahami, dorang pon ade komitmen masing2 sbb tu bile ade org yg rapat then tibe2 pergi, rase diri ni sgt teruk..nway, ani tetap bersyukur dgn ape yg ani ade sbenanye, dan ape yg ani hadapi skang satu cabaran yg ani terima dgn ati terbuka sbb ani yg pilih jalan ni, n i won't turn back, upa pon tau ani ni degil camne kan... rase cam takut sgt nk g praktikal n bt project paper kat kedah nnti, seriously, i can imagine what my life would be...

I feel really empty :(..and sometimes I feel weak, life is hard but im trying my best to handle it with patience, arwah izzati taught me the meaning of patience, and ani genggam kuat2...

Thanxx upa.. luv u!

April 8, 2009 at 11:02 PM

u know what ani, sometimes, life gives u lemons, u make lemonade and sometimes u just dont make it good but that's ok coz u still try and i guess that's what matters the most because at the end of the day, ur gonna want it to be worth drinking. and ur gonna want friends who are worth it. and sometimes if the lemonades really suck, u just throw it away because ur throat just won't want to swallow it and that would be that. but life still gives u lemonades so don't give up ;)

like the analogy ^_^

April 9, 2009 at 8:29 AM
Anonymous  

assalamulaikum..

"friendship isnt about whom you have known the longest,or who came first or who cares the best..
its all about who came and never left..."

manusia berubah. ko kne tanam dlm diri ko yg manusia berubah.kite sendri pun berubah.just kite tak sedar.mende tuh kite kne terima.aku phm perasaan ko sbb kite dlm course yg sm.tp just maktab n universiti je yg len.
course kite wat kite knal coursemate kite lame sgt,6 tahun kan,mane tak lm. sume baik buruk kwn2 kite,kite tau.kdg2 mende yg kite tak perlu tau pun kite tau.tp ko still ade kwn lain lg.just keep in touch ngn org lain.tp jgn slh pilih kwn.jgn kwn ngn org yg akan ubah diri kite pd mende yg tak elok.
sori la aku agak membebel kt cni.huhu..just rs t'panggil nk merapu.n rs yg aku ni antare kwn ko,kalo ko igt aku lg la.we used to be friend rite? (2002-2003)

take care.good luck in ur final exam.

-amalina wahid-

April 13, 2009 at 6:35 AM
zatul  

ani..jgn sedih..tabahkan hati..zatul paham ape yg ani rase..zatul pnh alami bende yg sme kat korea..berjauhan dgn family,skali stahun br dpt blk.kadang2 mmg terasa lonely,kwn2 kt sekeliling sume ade komitmen masing2 spt dgn pakwe masing2..zatul kt korea mmg survive sndiri..first2 mmg zatul rs sedih tp lme2 alhmdulillah hati ini dikuatkn utk hadapi sume ni.Mayb sbb ani dh terbiase dgn keadaan ditemani,tp zatul pcaye InsyaAllah lame2 ani akn dpt hadapi sume ni..Anggaplah sume ni imtihan dr Allah utk mengajar Ani utk lebih kuat dan berdikari utk hadapi sume ni..Kayakan rutin harian kite dgn zikrullah..InsyaAllah kite akn sentiasa diberi ketenangan dan dipermudahkn sgl urusan =)

Ape2 pn u still my bestest fren ani~~zatul akan ttp support Ani =) take care my dear =)

April 25, 2009 at 1:50 AM
Anonymous  

hmm org kate.what u give u get back.Tuhan takkan takdirkan sesuatu utk kite kalo tak b'sebab.maybe kite rs sakit sbb kite wat org sakit?kite manusia biase,kdg2 tak perasan.kalo perasan,cpt2 mintak maaf.jgn sbb perbuatan kite,org lain t'siksa.correct me if i am wrong

slm~

April 27, 2009 at 10:45 AM
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April 27, 2009 at 10:30 PM

To Kak Maddy:
Kak Maddy..thanx 4 d great "philosophical" kind of advice...yuh, I agree wif wutever u said above..i like the last word, "So ,don't give up", it gave me a sense of high-spirited .. tho its juz da simple word, always been mentioned by anyone,very common as well, yet it has powerful impact on me!..it's nice having advised by someone elder than me, it's like " an advice from a sister".. :)

To Mena:
Thanks mena..well, i lyke the quote you had written at the beginning, sgt2 bermakne..nway tenkiu bg komen..
betul laa, stuju la ape mena ckp...tp kan, kdg2 kan rase 6 thn tuh seolah-olah buat kite knal sape sbenanye kwn kite, yg putih nampak putih, yg hitam akhirnya nampak itam..paham x ideologi yg ani try sampaikan ni?dptk kan?..tp tuhlaa, ani skang cam da tak kesah pasal kawan, yg penting ikhlas, sape yg sudi kawan,terime dgn tgn terbuka, kalu tanak kawan, tak memakse..rase tak saba gile nak abeskan 6 thn yg lame nih..sethn je lagi,go,go,go..

mena.. rase cam teringt je zmn kat asrama dulu time lepak same2, bawak mknn dr dewan makan share same2 dlm bekas ais krim..menariiiik! serius tak lupe, wpun jap je duk ngn mena, but it left me sweet memory.. :)

thnks for wishing me luck..gud luck to u too,ehe, alaah,mena power! gerenti exam takde halnyee..

~salam.. :)

To Zatul:
Zatul,,sgt2 terharu zatul leaves comment kat cni,u know ut, sumtimes I can't believe it dat im a grown-up girl, already married sampaikan kdg2 igt mcm baru abes sekolah..padehal, dah nak ngaja kat sekolah da..

I think i shud learn how to be more matured kan, nway, sumenye dah berlalu dan ani pun dah x simpan dlm hati,kawan yg sebenar mmg ssh nak carikan?ehe, at least I hav u :)..syukur..

apepun, u r one of my best fren till the end..yelah,dr umo 13 sampai skang, lame kann..nway tenkiu 4 being my loyal bestfren ever, elok2 kat korea tuh, jage diri..miss uuuuuu! :) caayang zatul :)

To Anonymous:
well.. tenkiu for ur comment tho i don't really know who r u actually.. Nway, i have already consulted with "her",and only she and I knew what has actually happened between us, thus, we luv each other like our own family. WE said sorry to each other although neither she nor I had misunderstanding,we didn't had any problem actually, it was happened because of sumthing dat I won't mention here,,, "What u giv u get back", i don want elaborate more or argue about dis statement bcoz u know wut, even Nabi Mohamed SAW menerima pelbagai cacian dan perlakuan buruk dr manusia lain sdgkan die nabi dan maksum, so can u relate HIm to da point "wut u give u get back", not really kan, i think da best One who should repay our wrongdoings is GOD..Anyway, yuh, we are normal human being, cannot run from mistake,let's say as long as we are called as a "human", dat means we are bound to do mistakes..apepon,, ani redha atas segale yg berlaku atas ani, n menerima dgn terbuka, semoga ape terjadi atas ani menjadi satu kaffarah-mengampunkan dosa2 yg lalu, ani tak penah menyalahkan sesiapa malah sentiase memaafkan org lain, kerna its tru kan, like u said "mayb kite rase sakit sbb kite wat org sakit". Sumtimes sakit sgt nikmat bg kite, kerna ia penebus dosa,itu kate Arwah kakak Izzati (kakak ani) saat die nak meninggalkan dunie yg fana... InsyaAllah, moge kite andalah antara org2 yg DIA sayangi, Amin..ukhwah fillah abadan abada..:)

April 27, 2009 10:30 PM
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April 27, 2009 at 10:41 PM

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