Some would fully agree “Friends come and go”, the common statement which frequently heard somewhere. If you totally concur with this statement so let me be the one to oppose it, don’t get me wrong when I say “Friends come and never go” because friends always remain in my heart.
I am not really good in socializing and mixing around like certain people can automatically being a part of new circles of friends. I believe they are gifted, gifted an aura of being easily liked by anyone at anywhere and anytime. I just don’t have that aura, even more worst, I don’t work for it. This is a real me, I used to think I am not as good and perfect like anyone else, when something bad happens, I instantly jump into conclusion that it’s always been my fault.
I deem searching a true friend is rather difficult like seeking out a true pearl covered by the fake pearls in a glassy bowl. It is like one in a million. So when I found one, I will form an eternal friendship regardless no declaration made. Does declaration required for friendship? Not necessarily as friendship is something couldn’t be seen, touched or tasted but the feeling is there. I do really hope I will get the same reply when I develop friendship, which is a “true friendship” as if a kid who yearns for a sense of belonging in a group of bosoms. Undeniably the acceptance makes oneself feel appreciated, and friendship brings out this deep feeling.
I can’t resist that my obvious weakness of making friends with anyone lead to emptiness and loneliness. Since I was a kid, I always need much time to start the ice-breaking due to lack of confidence, with low self-esteem as well. I lost friends for a couple of times, not because she died yet she just went away with new-found friends. All took places during childhood times. During teen years, I transform myself a bit in many aspects, in term of the way I bring myself in the public, the way I am dressing and etc. This has actually affected my social life that massively grown.
Does it sound weird when a big girl like me talking about friends, isn’t it? Well, I already put aside this matter after I got married as so many crucial matters worth to take into account instead of thinking about “friends”. Now, I supposedly focus upon countless big matters. However, unforgettable moment happened today, dragged me into the mood of speaking about Friendship.
I was once cracking my head in thinking “what is lacking in me till my best friend ignores me in all of sudden? Did I do anything bad to her? Or I can’t be a good friend like she has expected? All these questions kept running to my head then I had finally made a point- I am not good enough to be her friend. That’s the only answer I could say. Though I am actually surrounded by many friends, yet "best" friends are hardly found despite you have gone abroad or all around the world. Lasting friendship is difficult to have. Do not tell me it is easy.
Nearly three years the grief of losing a best friend sobs my heart out. It was hurtful. I don’t mind losing friends when I know the reasons why. I was apart from my former friends because they study abroad if not may have other important commitments. But when the friendship broke up with no reason, consequently, it drives me crazy to miserably wondering about it again and again.
It all began when I first met her in college while doing foundation course in Kedah. I was just 18-years-old at that time; probably my maturity level was like 15-years-old. She has been my course mate since campus life taking me in. There I learnt what have I experienced is actually a normal thing yet a terrible thing to be dealt with. We were really good, we share secrets like most teenagers usually do, share feelings; in short, she was by my side whenever I need her. Everywhere we go, we cannot be apart. So you can imagine how close we were.
After almost 2 years we have been best friends and everybody knew that. In all of sudden, she kept her distance between me and slowly ignored me. She left me and became so close with another friend who is also my coursemate. Then I realized something went wrong but I couldn’t find out what was actually wrong. I didn’t ask for clarification from her because I assumed that there was something wrong with me. Who am I to force someone to be my friend?.
I continue my life though it was really hard for me to be left without knowing the reasons why she did that. She got better friends and being in influential “group” while I am surviving alone. It was marked as a starting point for me to make friends with everybody but I don’t really have close friends in university. I intentionally put a border in a certain extent when it comes to friendship as I am afraid of facing disappointment once again. It was truly pathetic. My course mates kept asking me what was actually happened between us until we were not seen together like before. I couldn’t give definite answers. I would just say “I don’t know why, it’s just happen; I don’t even know the reason why”. After that incidence, I apparently changed myself to be more independent; I can do assignments with any colleagues without sticking to the same person. Times pass by, I enjoy knowing different people with distinctive antics. However, deep inside my heart, I couldn’t accept the way she did to me, I don’t care she leaves me if I know the reason why, but without knowing the cause of break-up friendship eat my heart out, thus aches my emotional in depth. I decided to go on with my life, not overly concern about it anymore. I never put blame on her, I don’t feel revenge and I always pray for her well-being. I always put sincerity as a key in having friendship, ukhwahFillah Abadan Abada.
We treat each other in a very good way. It’s just that we are not together anymore, not having lunch or dinner together, not doing assignment together, not spending any quality times together. Everything is no longer done together. Though she has new friends, perhaps much better compared to me, she still tells me her big secret and we never have a quarrel.That is the thing which distracts me a lot, the thing that raises question of why she still finds me to tell her big secrets if she really hates me.
This evening, the grief of losing a best friend has completely healed. My questions got the answers that I have been waiting so long to know. She told me everything. We had a very long conversation and frankly expressing the feeling of each other. We were crying like hell. We hugged like we never want to be apart again. We shook hands like it has been so long we haven’t met. Before she walked away, she said that she loves me so much. I couldn’t speak. I just nodded.
I shuffled with red eyes shone through, my numbed nose appeared watery. I felt like one of my thousands burdensome has left me behind. I was about to tell her that "Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks” but I couldn't. My heavy heart didn't allow me to throw out voice.
~I once had a friend, who was a wonderful girl
Being her friend was like haveing a bright, new pearl
She was the best, she was so much fun
But then one day she decided that she was done
She would not talk, She would not play
So I was left alone, left alone all day
To tell her how i felt.. Well i didn't have the guts
Yet everyday the pain got worse like big paper cuts
This girl would get mad even when i would try to call
I had a friend, A really nice friend, a friend that was no friend at all