I’ve just come back from “Teaching Reading and Writing” class. Alhamdulillah, the last assignment for this course which was Microteaching has already done on time. I was the first presenter to do microteaching for today’s class. I didn’t know what I was talking about in front of my colleagues. All I knew, I didn’t do well but at least I felt so relieved it already ended, never concern about how many marks I might obtain but if I get low, I know I deserve it. I felt awfully weak as if my energy was taken away greatly from recent occurrence. I couldn’t pay full attention on what I do; ready to drop and dead on my feet; I ignore my studies and lose interest over lots of things that I always keen on. I try my best to keep my head so that depression won’t over control me. My husband advised me to be strong. Sorry abang, I just can’t. I didn’t mean to grumble and complain towards all the sudden things happened to me. My own behavior is driving me round the bend that make me silently scream out,

” Stop grumbling Ani! You’ve got nothing to grumble about, being grateful of what God has bestowed you, you are HIS, from Him you came, and to Him you will be returned!”

The mixture of dreadful feelings caused me to have sleepless night, my appetite to enjoy heavy meals is incredibly reducing, prefer to be alone and terribly suffering from unstable mood rate. I am easily give way to tears. My inner strength failed to abreast of the times so I just let myself feeling blue. Now I realize how precious the blooming health is. I couldn't stop recalling the tragic tragedy occurred recently.

My dear sister has just passed away after we had a very good time together .

We had been bending our ears to each other all nights about ourselves every time we must stay in the hospital for a couple days,

We shared thoughts and feelings pertaining to many matters related to life and family, cried together when we talked about mama and abah,

We had laughed and smiled over the things that might not sound funny to anyone,

I borrowed her book “The Last Lecture” which was about a man whom cancer could not be cured so he put a great effort in preparing his last lecture before he passed away as he knew he has no chance to live any longer. The writer highlights the journey of his life to be well-prepared to face an expected death.

We had lunch together after brought her to the hospital- she still wanted to entertain me though she was incredibly weak after been injected with medicine. I couldn’t reject her request as she was too eager to treat me lunch (I just couldn’t help it). I still remember once I dropped by McD kiosk for our lunch (upon her request to treat me) and went to Pizza hut kiosk on another day (She paid for the bill once again- upon her request).

Sometimes, once in a while, we had difficulties to find a parking space in HKL so we had to make a frantic dash across KL from her house in the dark of early morning. I used to be a person who afraid of darkness but no more, since I used to drive in the inky darkness of late night to reach her house to make sure I can sleep at her house and gear myself up to bring her to hospital in the early of next morning. That was the precious time I have ever had. Sometimes I drove my car at about 5; 30 am before subuh prayer was announced to fetch her up so that I could bring her to hospital earlier. I waited for her to finish doing treatment from 8 am till 12 am alone nevertheless it seemed time was too short, I didn't feel the long hours of waiting her to finish the treatment .

My heart hastily jumped in blissful whenever she asked my help to accompany her going to hospital and spending nights there. Witnessing patients lay besides her and in front of her blew their last breath was unforgettable experiences which triggered my awareness that nobody knows when is his/her death and God determined it since "Azali". Although you are rich, have lots of money in bank, driving la uxury car, living in enormous bungalow, at the end, at one point, you must face death and every little thing you own in transitory world doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. The only things left are Knowledge that you practice, all the good deeds you have done in the world and lastly pray from Soleh Children.

I felt quite aggrieved as she passed away when I was not standing by her side, and when she terribly ill, I was busy settling my wedding reception though I regularly visited her, but it was not as same as spending night by her side.

Arwah Nurul Izzati with me during first day of Eidulfitri, last year- 2008.

The picture was taken on the first day of Eidulfitri in 2005, these are all my female siblings.

From left Ainul Ilyani (me), Arwah Nurul Izzati, Nurul Ulfa and Ainul Adhwani

Rolls of beautiful memories haunt me the moment I recall the time of being together with her. I spent a lot of times looking after her while she endured with a killing cancer, especially when she knew she has less chance to survive any longer. Thank God for giving me a chance to be with her. Though those golden experiences has terribly tested my inner strength to come across the reality of life, it changed me a lot .Yes, it did. When I was small, I’ve never been so close with her, probably because of huge age gap spaces between us. She was born in 1979 while I was born in 1986 so not many girls' things were shared together. My second elder sister, Ulfa was closer to her compared to me as they went through most of childhood periods together, thus went to the same school. My eldest brother, Firdaus, used to say, the most closest siblings he has was her , it wasn't lasting long right after she got married to the man she loved so much, the man she gave all of her heart. She devoted herself to her new family. I started became so close with her when I was 14-years-old. That was my first time spending night in hospital to take care of her due to chemotherapy. Cancer has actually tied our bond tightly. Then, time passed by too fast, till I tend to forget that I am already a matured woman called a wife. She was the only person who supported me to get married while I am still not finishing my study, because she got married when she was still an undergraduate too, as same as me. She told me once

“ ntah lah ani, akak rasa tenang sgt lepas akak kawin walaupun masih belaja, nak kate dugaan, memangla ade rindu, tapi akak tak menyesal, akak rase cam lagi tenang” .

With her husband Khirul Hafiz and a daughter , Ain Sofia Insyirah ( Eidulfitri 2008)

Then, I didn’t turn back and decided to proceed my plan to get married. I can’t forget when she mentioned “ ani, mintak maaf kalau kenduri ani akak tak dapat datang,”. At that time, she couldn’t walk and relied on oxygen machine to breath. I reminisced one day, she handed me a bracelet for my engagement day. The bracelet got a line of purplish stone, suited with my costume that was worn during my engagement day. She was unable to attend my engagement day which held in joyful with many guests attended my big day as she had to meet a doctor for treatment. “Match-making day” was the only my special day she had ever attended. Nobody was there except her, abg hafiz and her daughter Insyirah with an excitement portrayed via her face. My other elder siblings couldn’t manage to come home because all were busy working.

Arwah Nurul Izzati, Nurul Ulfa, Ainul Adhwani, Abah, and me.

Her absence in this volatile world made my whole family felt a big loss. Nonetheless, I thank Allah because her suffering was eventually blown over and my blood is not running cold anymore- thinking about her pain. Her strong desire to leave world on Friday had been granted by God, even her husband looked very calm and told me that he wholeheartedly Redha on her departing to the place which no one can imagine, he even mentioned Alhamdulillah with a bright smile drawn from his face. My parents accepted the fate of her death with open heart and all of my family members were all there during her funeral to give our final respect and one of her closest friends hugged me and whispered soothing words "takpe, dah2, jgn risau, akak orang yang baik", convinced me that she will be placed among soleh Muslims. I believe she ended up her last breath in Husnul Khatimah, InsyaAllah. The loss of important person especially a beloved family member made me realize about the reality of life. It has made me even stronger. In the name of Beneficent God, I resign myself to the fate of god, to Qadha and Qadar. Redha. Only dua’ I can give to her as long as I am still alive. I know one day, I will follow her step, and everybody wilL.

To Ulfa, I know you will read this, you’re the only elder sister I have now, I just want to tell you that I love you so much.